Faithful in the Fray

I'm not removed from the chaos, I'm faithful inside it.

wife, mama, friend. hope advocate.

  • weekend ramblings

    As I mentioned in my previous blog post, Jeremy and I are currently living with my parents. It has been the biggest blessing during this time of transition in our lives to know we have a roof over our heads, a bed to sleep in, and food on the table. While we are forever grateful, when the opportunity arose for us to house / dog-sit for a couple from our church we jumped at the opportunity. A house to ourselves again? Sign us up. Our week started off a bit crazy as one of Jeremy and I’s good friends was in town after being out on the missions field since January, and then we had my sweet niece’s first birthday, but the times in between were pure heaven. 

      
    One of our top love languages is quality time, and while we are married, it’s hard to find intentional quality time together. This weekend was just what we needed. Friday night I got home from work, put my hair up in a messy bun, changed into a t-shirt and pajama pants, and Jeremy and I sat on the bed and watched endless hours of One Tree Hill. Our new TV obsession. We stopped only for food, and a quick trip to the store to get the essentials, (the tonight dough ice cream and magic shell, because duh.)

    Saturday morning we had strict rules (from my parents) to sleep in and get rested before camjam’s first birthday party! We had an absolute blast. I found a similar doll to what I had as a child for her and she loved it, it even giggled! When we got home from the party we changed into comfy clothes, and turned One Tree Hill back on. We spent the next 8 hours or so watching, talking, cuddling, and just hanging out and being best friends together. Honestly, I’ve forgotten what it was like to just be together, not talking about finances, or jobs, or surgeries, or the future, but just what was going on right in front of us. We had really good conversation and would whisper ‘I love you’ to one another at any given time.

      
    Sunday afternoon we went and saw War Room. Oh, bless my soul. This movie was so spot on. While we are not struggling with marital problems, we have been fighting the enemy when it comes to different circumstances in life. During one part of the movie, Elizabeth, as played by Pricilla Shirer, was at the end of her rope, and during her prayer she repeats “Submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you.” It’s no coincidence she repeats this line three times, tears streaming down her face. In the next scene she stands up and walks out of her closet and into the kitchen. She then walks around her house, proclaiming that Jesus is Lord and the enemy has no place in her home. She began to shout that he held no place in her life, her daughter’s life, her husband’s life, and so on. Tears were streaming down my face and I felt the Lord begin to speak. “The enemy has no place in your marriage, no place in your jobs, no place over your body, no place in your children, he has no place. He is fear, and evil, and doubt, while I am hope, goodness, and faith.” Throughout the remainder of the movie she began to thank Jesus for what He was doing, the grace He was extending and instead of preparing to fight against God, she joined forces and allowed Him to fight for her.

      
    When the movie was done and Jeremy and I were driving home, I looked over at him and said “isn’t it crazy that the more time I spend with you, the more times I compliment you.” I’m pretty good at words of affirmation, and encouraging people, and sometimes my sweet husband gets overlooked. How true is that of us, with our walk with the Lord? You spend your time helping everyone else, running yourself on empty, and hoping you can say a prayer before bedtime, only to get up and do it all over again. Then one day, you make that time, and it becomes something you crave. You spend more time talking with Him, and telling Him of His goodness. Your prayer life increases, your running on ‘overflow’ rather than empty and in turn able to help that many more people. You kick the devil in the face, proclaiming God’s goodness over every area of your life, and jump up and down for His glory. It’s won’t be easy, because that’s not what it’s about, but what I can tell you is that it’s the most rewarding.

      
    I’m not sure where I wanted this blog post to go, I just felt like I had things on my heart I wanted to share.

  • it’s been how long?! 

    Y’all. It has been a while. I have gone back and forth for about three months wondering what I was going to write about. I always feel the need to make it so profound and life-changing that I downplay what is going on in my day to day life.
    A lot has happened since I last wrote my blog! I’m happy to report that after numerous blood tests I am completely healthy! My doctor even gave me a big A+ on my results that he mailed to my house, so if that doesn’t make you feel good I’m not sure what will. It surely doesn’t diminish the fact that I lost Everett, but it does make me feel better for when we start pursuing that road again. I’ve also been super consistent in going to the gym three days a week after work, which has been the absolute best thing for me. I’ve slowly began taking my body back and focusing on myself first, at least for that hour, and figuring out the rest as it comes.

      
    Jeremy and I moved back in with my parents. All our stuff is in storage and we’re hanging out with them for a bit. It’s one crazy packed house. My sister, her hubs, my niece and their two golden’s live in the basement, then Jeremy and I in my old room, my parents in theirs and then my brother in his. Community living, it’s what we’re called to do, right? One of the main things we didn’t put into storage is our beloved table that we won last year before our wedding! I’m just so happy that it’s getting great use.
    We’ve gone on trips to Pennsylvania, Alabama, Florida and Tennessee. We saw beaches, rivers, pools, attended birthday parties, Fourth of July parties, saw friends we haven’t seen in ages, and lived life to the fullest.

      
    Jeremy and I celebrated our first anniversary as a married couple and a week later I turned 23. It was such a beautiful time to reflect on the last year of marriage and how different it was from what we first expected. I know so many people fight like cats and dogs the first year of marriage but I can’t say that about Jeremy and I. We spent more time laughing, being lazy, going on adventures, and supporting one another than anything. We had an extremely rough year, one I wouldn’t wish on anyone, yet became so much stronger because of it. Did we have our days? Absolutely. But, what we’ve learned is that if we truly and honestly put the other first, no matter how tired or how selfish we want to be in that moment, the reward is so sweet.

      

    Something that we’re super excited and nervous about is becoming Life Group leaders for the young adults at our church this year. It’s not something we’ve ever done before, and so we figured that we would give it a shot and see what happens. It should be really great to get together with everyone, those we know and those we don’t! We’ve already got some fun things up our sleeves for our get-togethers each month!

      

    Finally, one of my favorite things in the world has started again, Wednesday night activities at church. For the last two years I have been a youth leader and while it’s a challenge, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love being a part of the student’s lives. I love that they call me, text me, message me, tweet me, and snapchat me at all hours of the day. I love that I can be relate-able while also speak truth over their lives in a way they may not have heard it before. I love that each week they’re learning something new, and they are hearing and experiencing the Lord in different ways. In a world that is so dark and full of evil, knowing that they are CHOOSING to surround themselves with light, even if just from the moment they enter to when they exit, I believe it will make an everlasting impact.

     

     

    My hope is that this can help me kick start my writing wheels and begin again. Thanks for being so faithful. You have no idea how much it means to me!

  • The story of Everett Finn

    April 5th was like any other Easter Sunday. Jeremy was drumming and I was helping lead worship. We arrived early and had two successful services. During the middle of the third service I helped out in the nursery, as it was over packed with babies, and talked about the precious wee-one growing inside of me. Before heading back on stage at the end of service I went to the bathroom and saw it: blood. I immediately started to freak out as I hadn’t spotted once during the previous ten weeks. I called my doctors office and they were less than helpful and so Jeremy and I decided to go to the ER right away. The wonderful blessing about our church is that when Jeremy and I didn’t show up at the end of the service, people knew something was wrong and so they started to pray. Because I wasn’t in any pain at this point, we waited in the ER for a couple hours before I was seen. I had an ultrasound with the camera facing the opposite direction so I couldn’t see what was going on. The ultrasound tech was extremely nice and comforting which made the time pass easier. When the doctor came back a few minutes later he sadly confirmed our worst nightmare. Our baby had no heartbeat and was measuring only seven weeks. I felt like someone had stepped on my chest and while I wanted to take deep breaths I couldn’t. He continued to talk and give more information yet I heard nothing. My mom walked back into the room right after he came in and all I had to do was look at her and shake my head. When the doctor left an instant stream of tears began flooding out of us. All I had ever hoped, prayed, and dreamt about was being a mom, and now it wasn’t going to happen.

      this picture was taken Easter morning. 

    The following 28 hours were a complete whirlwind. I called my doctors office Monday morning at 8:30, exactly when they opened. When they hadn’t called me back at 10:30 my mom called them and asked what was going on. Finally, they called me back at 12:45pm telling me because I wasn’t  ‘bad enough’ I could wait a few days before coming in. In the meantime, we had found another doctors office and was able to get in that day, by the grace of God. It turned out to be a blessing and the doctors there were so incredibly nice. Long story short, it seemed as if my body was incapable of passing the baby naturally so I scheduled my D&C for Thursday at 1pm. Jeremy and I went home and laid on the couch for the new few hours. Around 6pm my body decided to speed itself up and began the process I was dreading. Sparing the graphic details, after another painful night in the ER, I left completely empty.  

     

    Jeremy and I decided to name our baby, even though we didn’t know the gender. His name is Everett Finn Colquhoun which means brave, fair, warrior. It’s perfect. I was able to talk about losing our baby and have a name instead of calling him an ‘it.’ I wish I could name every single person that has prayed for, texted, called, and messaged us but to be honest, I don’t know every name. There have been people praying for Jeremy and I that I have never met before, and will probably only meet in Heaven one day. It just goes to show the power of community, prayer, and family. 

      

    I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I’m okay, because to be honest, I’m not. My heart is completely broken. My moods can be great and then instantly turn into sadness. I don’t ever want people to think I’m angry with them, but when I’m sad or mad my initial reaction is to retreat and hide. I’m trying to find the line of grieving and mourning and not dwelling on what has happened that it creates unhealthy patterns. I’ve been fighting off anger and bitterness the past week and feeling like I owe people ‘updates’ on how I’m doing. I didn’t like feeling that way so I took a few steps back. In my mind, I did everything right. I worked through my abuse, I worked hard to get myself healthy, I didn’t open my heart up to anyone other than who Christ intended, and I saved myself until marriage. Yet, it still happened. I’m not a statistic, even when it feels that way. 

     

    I was at the gym last night and one of my favorite people in the world was there. She has been with me since day one of my eight week transformation journey. We were talking about what life looks like now, and the transformation I’m beginning to go through and how different it looks. I told her that I before I found out I was pregnant, I was working hard to get where I needed to be, to finish off those final hurdles and to overcome my fears, and now, I have a second chance to do that. The past two weeks I found myself sitting and eating anything in sight while I was at home, work, or traveling. I find comfort in food and I know the last thing I need to do is drown my sorrows in pint after pint of Ben & Jerry’s. So the best rehab I can give myself is going to the gym three times a week and taking daily walks with my co-workers around the city.   

    The pain is raw, and my heart is broken, but each day comes new opportunities for healing, and for God’s healing touch to come over me. The worship music has been a constant and it seems like now more than ever I’ve been in tune to the Spirit and have been able to speak life over those around me. If you need prayer, pray for people. If you need encouragement, encourage someone. If you need a coffee date, take someone out. Just don’t close off that communication. It’s what has been pulling me through.   

    I’m not sure if I’ll write about this again, but I just wanted to give a bigger picture rather than random updates every few days.