Faithful in the Fray

I'm not removed from the chaos, I'm faithful inside it.

  • My scenery has changed drastically the last twenty-five days. Goodness, I can’t even believe it’s been twenty-five days. My hope is that before I give birth, sometime in the next 18 days, I can recap all that has happened here in the hospital so I can write about our journey after little miss is born!

    March 9th was a day like any other. I got up and got ready to go to work. For any woman out there that has ever had a baby, you should be able to relate to this next part. I was about to leave when it felt like I had just peed my pants a little bit. Now, for those who have never been pregnant before, this is a pretty typical occurrence, especially as you get further into pregnancy. One wrong move and you’ll be running towards the bathroom. I thought it was a bit strange because it wasn’t actually pee, so I changed and continued on my day. Mid-morning I felt the liquid more and more causing me to ask some questions. I did some research on what happens when your water breaks and called my mom. Sidenote: I have been talking all pregnancy about what it will look like when my water breaks. The fear of the unknown and how your body just one day decides this is what is going to happen was freaking me out. Anyways, I called my mom and she delicately told me that I needed to call my doctor right away. After what seemed like an eternity, my doctor called me back and told me that it sounded like my water had broken and I needed to go to the hospital right away.

     

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    the all to familiar hospital gown, blanket, and blank wall.

    The immediate emotions when she told me that caused me to start crying. It was too early. I was only 27 weeks 5 days. I still had 13 weeks left to grow Maizie. I couldn’t lose her, although different circumstances, last time I left the hospital I also left without my sweet Everett. I sucked it up, called my mom back, had her grab Jeremy and they headed down to the hospital. The next hour seemed like a whirlwind. My boss so graciously drove me to the labor and delivery entrance where my sister and sweet niece were soon to follow. They just so happened to be right around the corner (not typical at all) which was a total God thing, as I wasn’t alone waiting for very long.

    I checked in, waited a few minutes, and they brought me back to labor & holding. Labor and holding is basically a triage room for pregnant woman where they can either go home or be admitted if necessary. Jeremy arrived right before we walked back, so as we made the journey together I was trying to not freak out. We got into the room and I put on the all to familiar hospital gown and waited. My mom was able to come back and once my niece had been picked up my sister was back with us as well. The uncertainty in the room was weighing pretty heavy, so without much hesitation I turned on my worship playlist. We waited for a bit before I was seen, and when the nurse came in, they decided that they were going to do a test to see if it was indeed amniotic fluid that had been coming out.

     

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    Jerm and I praying in between doctors visits and tests being done.

    After about an hour, the nurse returned and told us that the test came back negative. I was so confused. I knew my body, and I knew that something else was going on. Moms, I know you know this, but you know your body more than anyone else. If something seems wrong, speak up. At this point, my doctor came in and told me that I should be home by supper but, they were just going to do an ultrasound to confirm what the test had shown, that it wasn’t amniotic fluid. I went downstairs to a preinatal specialist practice and after some confusion they did the ultrasound, sent me back upstairs, then back downstairs where we got the results of my fluid being extremely low.

    Most pregnant woman have a fluid index of 8-18cm, mine was at 4cm, which we just so happened to find out on Friday during my last ultrasound. At this point, the doctor told me that I was going to be admitted and they were going to watch me for 48 hours, start an IV with fluids and antibiotics, and give me two doses of a steroid shot. When your water breaks early, they can do a few things in order to help slow the process down of going into labor, and with me being still so early, they were determined to do everything in their power to keep Maizie in me. The antibiotics were in case an infection started to develop in me, the fluids were to help increase my amniotic fluid levels in the hopes of giving sweet Maizie some more room, and the steroid shot was just in case I went into labor, Maizie’s lungs would be measuring a week ahead of schedule.

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    Watching Maizie’s heart rate and checking to see if I had any contractions.

    I guess at this point I was able to rest a bit easier knowing that she was indeed okay, and that had I not listened to my intuition, I could’ve been walking around with a slow leak of her fluid, which could’ve been deadly. We headed back upstairs to the room where I was going to be staying for the next day, and through a series of events, I found out that my nurse had gone on the world race, and that we knew a lot of the same people, which was such an awesome thing! After being hooked up to an IV, getting shots, and doing a few more tests I took a deep breath and realized I may not be getting out of here in 48 hours.

     

    stay tuned for the next few posts..

  • The second time I ever saw those faint pink lines show up on a pregnancy test I was shocked. The shock quickly became excitement, which then turned into fear. All of the emotions I had been sorting through the last five months came rushing back. What happens if this baby doesn’t make it like Everett? How am I going to deal with being pregnant again? Are we ready for this? We don’t even live in our own house, can we afford to have this baby? I was so excited but the questions swarming my head were too much to handle. The rest of the day I remember praying, praying so hard that God would be with me and help take my fear away. This baby was a miracle, and we were going to praise our Heavenly Father because of that!

    The next week we announced to everyone we knew that we were expecting again. I got mixed feelings from those I told before announcing publicly. They wondered why we were sharing so early, and would it be better to wait until we were in the ‘safe zone’. I don’t fault them for the questions, as we had just walked through a loss and didn’t want to have to do that again in such a public forum. That is when I realized that of course we would share about this baby just as we did the last. This baby had a name, had a story, and deserved to be celebrated every day.

    I’m not going to lie to you – still to this day, every time I go to the bathroom I pray there isn’t blood. To some that might sound extreme, but for every momma that has experienced a loss you know exactly what I am referring too. The first time I had a cramp from my muscles growing I hit my knees begging God to keep her safe inside of me. I know that is no way to live, but it is something that I have been coping with the last five months. I’m here to share that battling fear during pregnancy is a real thing.

    I stumbled across a blog back in November and it shared amazing scriptures for fighting fear in pregnancy. I wanted to share some of them here, as I know a lot of my friends are currently expecting. For some of you, this is your first baby, for some of you, this is your fourth, and for some of you, this is the furthest you’ve made it after a loss. I’m hopeful that these scriptures will bring you the same peace of mind that it brought me. I had these plastered everywhere- my desk, my computer, my phone, at home, and as I began to memorize them, I repeated them over and over, until I felt the worry dissipate.

    •For by Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him. He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. – Colossians 1:16-17

    •Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. – Hebrews 11:1

    •Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never let the righteous fall. – Psalm 55:22

    •Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. – Isaiah 43

    •Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. – John 14:27
    My prayer is that we would let faith in to push fear out.

  • Dear 2015,
                   You were a tough year to live through. I’m just going to be honest here. When the year started we were full of life. We had a great new year and plans for what this next year was going to hold. We had dreams and visions of the places we wanted to go and the people we wanted to see. We thought we had it all figured out. But then life happened. So much life happened.

       
     

    My days have been filled to the brim with laughter that has made me cry. While I’ve also had days where a doctor comes into your hospital room and confirms your worst fear, causing the air in my lungs to be gone in an instant. I’ve had moments in my car where I thought I was going to break my steering wheel for how hard I was hitting it while tears flowing from my face. I’ve also had some of the best conversations of Jeremy and I’s marriage in that same car. I’ve worked out semi-consistently for the first time in my life, allowing an hour a few times to a week to focus on myself and not feel guilty about it. I’ve written vulnerable posts and the outpouring of love I received was more than I could’ve ever asked for. I’ve gained and lost friends, realizing who I should be spending my time and energy on and who was there seasonally. We packed up our things and headed back into my parents house. We struggled through four emergency room visits, job loss and surgery. We fought for one another and no matter how many curve balls came our way, we weren’t going to let 2015 win.

       
     

    We mourned as those we loved dearly, went to Heaven. We had doctor appointment after appointment with an end result being a miracle healing and a pregnancy one week later. We’ve celebrated engagements and wedding after wedding, each one for such special people in our life. We’ve gone on countless dates, each one ending in hand holding and stolen kisses. We spent time together at the beach, soaking in some much needed r&r. We went to concerts and arcades. We hiked mountain after mountain, literally and physically. We hosted game nights, where some of the greatest people gathered and laughed, holding some of my favorite memories ever. We worshiped and we prayed. We came into 2015 with just a couple scratches, and while, we’re leaving 2015 with scars, at least they aren’t open wounds.

        
                   I’m happy that 2015 is over, and we are entering into a new year and a new season. This year, we hold our expectations close to our heart and allow ourselves to be present in whatever may come. This year will hold an immense amount of life change. I can only imagine what I will be writing 365 days from now..
                   

    Sincerely,
                                  Sara