Faithful in the Fray

Dear 2015,
               You were a tough year to live through. I’m just going to be honest here. When the year started we were full of life. We had a great new year and plans for what this next year was going to hold. We had dreams and visions of the places we wanted to go and the people we wanted to see. We thought we had it all figured out. But then life happened. So much life happened.

My days have been filled to the brim with laughter that has made me cry. While I’ve also had days where a doctor comes into your hospital room and confirms your worst fear, causing the air in my lungs to be gone in an instant. I’ve had moments in my car where I thought I was going to break my steering wheel for how hard I was hitting it while tears flowing from my face. I’ve also had some of the best conversations of Jeremy and I’s marriage in that same car. I’ve worked out semi-consistently for the first time in my life, allowing an hour a few times to a week to focus on myself and not feel guilty about it. I’ve written vulnerable posts and the outpouring of love I received was more than I could’ve ever asked for. I’ve gained and lost friends, realizing who I should be spending my time and energy on and who was there seasonally. We packed up our things and headed back into my parents house. We struggled through four emergency room visits, job loss and surgery. We fought for one another and no matter how many curve balls came our way, we weren’t going to let 2015 win.

We mourned as those we loved dearly, went to Heaven. We had doctor appointment after appointment with an end result being a miracle healing and a pregnancy one week later. We’ve celebrated engagements and wedding after wedding, each one for such special people in our life. We’ve gone on countless dates, each one ending in hand holding and stolen kisses. We spent time together at the beach, soaking in some much needed r&r. We went to concerts and arcades. We hiked mountain after mountain, literally and physically. We hosted game nights, where some of the greatest people gathered and laughed, holding some of my favorite memories ever. We worshiped and we prayed. We came into 2015 with just a couple scratches, and while, we’re leaving 2015 with scars, at least they aren’t open wounds.

    
               I’m happy that 2015 is over, and we are entering into a new year and a new season. This year, we hold our expectations close to our heart and allow ourselves to be present in whatever may come. This year will hold an immense amount of life change. I can only imagine what I will be writing 365 days from now..
               

Sincerely,
                              Sara

Last week I posted a status on Facebook that said “one of the hardest lessons I am learning right now is how seasonal friendships are. Some are there for life, some are there for years, and some just for specific seasons.” I was overwhelmed with the feedback I got, from those who commented, liked, and some even texted me to go more in-depth with what it meant to them. I am by no means a friend expert, but I do care a lot about the people in my life.

When I was growing up I was friendly, funny, and out-going, but deep down, I was scared, depressed, and lonely. When I made a friend, they were the only friend I could have, the only person I would hang out with, and eventually, after too much time together, one of us grew sick of the other, and that was it. The friendship was over. Then high school came around, and after a year in public school where I made like, two friends, I decided to be homeschooled which meant my circle of friends went to basically none. Those were the hardest years of my life. I had a few friends, but they all lived far away, so we relied on texting and Skyping, and seeing one another on weekends. Eventually life happened, and those friends slowly faded away. Through every stage of my life, those friends have remained important because they helped me through pivotal seasons of my life. For those months or years, those were the people I relied on. I treasured them. Not many of my seasonal friends ended badly, but then again, you can’t expect roses all the time. It was with those types of endings that I learned what to do, and what not to do next time around.

  
When I had my first experience with community back in 2010 I was really shown what true friendship looked like. Those humans were there from beginning to the end. They were there through triumphs and failures. They were there literally through sickness and health. Most of them I even still talk to today, because that is how impactful our relationships were with one another. We may all live across the globe, but thankfully, we have our phones and computers to keep up with each other and know that if we really needed someone, they would drop everything and be there in a heartbeat. Those are the kind of friends my heart desires. I came home with a desire to make impactful relationships. To be intentional, and let every single person I come in contact with know that they are my focus, and that nothing else matters except for them in that moment. Too often our business creeps into being a real friend and we make excuse after excuse until one day we end up alone, with no one to blame but ourselves. And I refuse to be that person.

I hope that I am known for being a friend to anyone and everyone. Those I see eye to eye with and those I don’t. I know that it is impossible to please and befriend everyone, but my desire is that those I come in contact with to know the love of Jesus through our friendship. You see, I don’t have a friend just to have a friend. I have a friend so that we may be brought closer to Jesus in everything we do. I am not saying we have to be serious all the time, but I am saying that I thoroughly enjoy befriending those who can tell me how I can look more and more like Jesus with every move that I make.

  
Jeremy laughs sometimes at how many conversations I can have going on throughout the day. I am in constant contact with people. It’s not something that I take for granted, or even wish away, but it is something that I treasure so deeply. I know that the Lord has given me a gift of friendship, and encouraging those that I am around, even if for a split second. Yet, one of the hardest things I struggle with, are those friendships that disappear without warning. It’s our human nature to analyze everything that we did, every conversation that we had, just to see if we can get to the bottom of things. But as I am walking through some of that journey even now, I am learning that ultimately, those friendships are seasonal, and no matter how much it hurts to let go, I have to. I cannot move forward with the gift that I have while still looking behind me. There is a reason why we have a big windshield and a tiny rear-view mirror, am I right?

My prayer is that in this post you realize that you are not alone. Those friendships you have now, treasure them. Soak them in. Don’t waste time on petty fights that could end your relationship. On the other hand, if you are battling what you did wrong, stop. It’s not worth it in the end. Move forward, and look forward to the people the Lord has placed in your path for the next season. 

I’m not sure if many of you follow me on Facebook or Instagram but last Tuesday I posted an update asking for prayer before a big doctor’s appointment the following day, Wednesday. I was going in to have an ultrasound done and check and see how my polycystic ovarian syndrome was doing. It had been four years since I was first diagnosed and with the help of medicine, healthy eating, and losing weight I wanted to see if that helped my symptoms at all. When I had my miscarriage back in April, they never once mentioned my having PCOS was the cause, which was a huge relief. I went back to my family physician, and then my endocrinologist to get as many tests done as possible so that way I had the knowledge for the next time Jeremy and I try to get pregnant. They did a few different hormone tests, they tested me for lupus, they made sure all my levels were doing great with the medicine I am taking and when my result came back a few weeks later with a (literal) A+ on them, I figured the last step I needed to take was getting that ultrasound.

I had told a few people before announcing it that I was having this appointment and asked if they would stand in faith and believe that I was going to be healed. I wasn’t going to settle for anything less. I was asking God for a miracle and wanted to see it happen. I’m not sure if you know this but one thing that comes along with having PCOS is the horrifying statistics of getting pregnant and pregnancy itself. Most people that have this disorder struggle with getting pregnant for years. They try fertility treatments, medicines, and anything else they can get their hands on. Getting pregnant is just the first step as 45-50% of PCOS pregnancies end in a miscarriage. On top of the horrifying statistics PCOS has no cure, just a way to manage symptoms. So, even with doing all the right things, and taking all the right medicines, you still may never be cured from it. They still haven’t found the root cause of PCOS, as 1 in 10 women suffer from it.

Over the course of the past six weeks I have had a few different people come up to me and lay hands on my stomach. They have prayed for my womb to be open and receptive. They have prayed for healing over my body, and over any part the enemy has been attacking. They have prayed for Jeremy and I that as we fight this battle our hearts would be open to what the Lord was going to give to us. Each time I have left those prayers feeling more and more like the Lord was going to do something inside of me.

Last Monday we had a prayer night at church. I wasn’t planning on going, but as soon as I was turning down the road to go home I got a text message from my mom asking me to come. She said she felt like I needed to be there, and so I pulled right into the church, fresh and sweaty from my workout, not having been home since 630 that morning. We had an intentional prayer time for the first hourish and then we prayed for one another. During this time I had two intentional people lay hands on my stomach. I told them about my appointment on Wednesday and we prayed and believed for ultimate healing. We know our God is healer, and I wanted a miracle.

During those prayers multiple people came and laid hands on me as well, crying out to God for His touch. If you know me, I’m not one who really likes to publicly ask for prayer, I’m much more the type of person who will text, tell you in person, or not say anything at all, but throughout this journey of miscarriage I’ve learned the importance of letting people in, and allowing them to hurt and weep and laugh and dance with me, through good times and bad.

When I went to my appointment on Wednesday they were extremely backed up. I had to wait in the waiting room for fifty minutes before I was seen. I was getting anxious, as I had taken some time off in the middle of the day for this appointment. When it was finally my turn I went back into the room and got ready. When my doctor came in the room she asked me how I had been doing, getting an update and then we got down to business as to why I was there. She asked me about two out of the three symptoms that I could give her an answer for, and the third she had to check herself. I had regular cycles, and my testosterone levels were normal. She then checked everything out and I’m sitting there, (for those of you women out there you know exactly what I’m talking about) feet propped up and staring at this big TV screen in front of me. It takes her a second to explain and show everything to me but then I realize what was going on… there are NO CYSTS.

She tells me about the ‘string of pearls’ they normally look for which lines the ovaries but they weren’t there. She continues to look, do measurements, and finally looks and me and says ‘there is no evidence your body ever had anything wrong with it. I’m taking PCOS off your chart, this doesn’t apply to you.’ Okay, right then and there I died. I looked at her and with tears in my eyes told her she had no idea what that meant to me, and how she had just changed my life. The last time I was with her was in the emergency room and now here we are, five months later, telling me that this disease I thought I had (and at one time DID have, per my previous ultrasounds) doesn’t apply to me any longer.

I quickly left her office, shaking with the news that I had been healed. I called and texted everyone that had been praying for me and it was met with an overwhelming outpour of love and support. Our God is healer. Y’all. I still can’t believe it.