Faithful in the Fray

I'm not removed from the chaos, I'm faithful inside it.

wife, mama, friend. hope advocate.

  • from the lagoon to the beach

    For those of you that have missed it, check out the first blog I posted on finding out my water broke and being admitted to the hospital for 48 hours here.

    I’ve never spent the night in the hospital before. I’ve taken Jeremy to the hospital a few times since being together and have been seen in the emergency room but I’ve always been able to go home and sleep in my own bed. This was a completely different story. After I was hooked up to the IV for a bit, I realized going to the bathroom was going to be a bit of a process. I had to unplug myself from the monitors, unplug the IV machine, and waddle into the bathroom. Y’all. I was a sight to see. This continued all night long.

    Thursday was a pretty easy day. The doctor told me that they were going to scan me again on Friday, so Thursday was for making sure I didn’t go into active labor, I continued with my fluids, antibiotics and getting my second round of the steroid shot. About midway through the day the doctor that I had been going to consistently since being in the emergency room last year during my miscarriage came into my room. She walked in and our conversation went a bit like this:

    Dr: “What are you doing here? We made it through the first trimester so well.. this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

    Sara: “I mean, what do you want me to say? I guess the chick wanted to come early and meet me or something.”

    Dr: “Well, here’s the deal. You’re staying here until you either deliver or make it to 34 weeks.”

    Sara: “What?!”

    Dr: “Because your water broke so early, we can’t send you home for fear of infection, distress, and a number of other things. So, you’ll be transferred upstairs sometime soon to a room where you will live until she is born.”

    Sara: “Um, okay then.”

    I can’t even begin to tell you how shocked I was when this conversation took place. I was stopped in my tracks. I was supposed to have twelve more weeks with little miss cooking, safely in my tummy. I was supposed to have twelve weeks of mommy daughter bonding time after I delivered and now I could only have six weeks before having to return to work. My mind was overwhelmed with the logistics of things and I just kept thinking in my head ‘this wasn’t supposed to happen. I need more time. I didn’t get to meet with the pediatrician, I never got to go home, I never got my nails done, the nursery isn’t put together, I wasn’t able to have a hospital tour or birth class.’ But then it was like this sweet gentle voice spoke to me and gently said ‘those things don’t matter in the end. You are where you’re supposed to be. Don’t miss out.’ Well, okay then. I understand.

    I had a few visitors come visit me on Thursday evening and by the time mom and I were getting ready to go to bed, and sleeping medicine’s have been taken, the nurse came in and told us that they had a room available for us upstairs and it was time to move. I was excited, although at this point I am only able to go from bed to bathroom and that is it, so I was now relying on my mother who has now taken her night night medicine and was slowly fading into the abyss that is sleep. We, again I’m not much help, pack up a cart and pile things on top of my lap and I’m wheeled upstairs to a room with a shower, a couch, a fridge and the best part? A window! I got to see sunlight. It felt as though I was in a cell downstairs and being unable to see light for 48 hours doesn’t do well for the body.

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    me and the bff / Godmother to Maizie.

    Side note: The first Friday I was there I had a staff member come into my room asking me if I wanted to be visited by a dog later in the afternoon… I was so surprised and so excited. Every Friday they have a program called Happy Tails and dogs come in and visit with patients who are there long term. It made my day, let me just tell you that. I’ve had a Happy Tails visit ever since!

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    bootleg snapchat screen shot of me with the happy tails dog!

    The next few days were spent in ultrasounds (one of the times my vein blew and my arm starting swelling up into the size of a golf ball because the medicine couldn’t go anywhere), monitoring baby and my contractions every six to eight hours, finishing up my IV’s and getting settled into life here in the high risk wing of the hospital. I had one of my best friends in the entire world plan on coming that weekend and instead of spending it doing nothing at my house, we hung out in the hospital for hours and hours watching movies, talking, and remembering the past and how crazy our lives have been the last few years. During one of the days she was here they decided to switch me over to another room, as the room I had was on the lagoon side instead of the beach side of the floor. Ha, these nurses have jokes. So, we packed up the room and headed over to where I’ve been the last twenty-five days.

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    the beach side…

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    that one time my vein decided to blow..

    I quickly made this place my home and printed off pictures of my family and friends and put them all over the walls. I have some drawings from my sweet niece, some glove art from my brother and sister-in-law and then cards from those that have been so wonderful in thinking of us and showing us how much they care. Most people when they walk into my room are so surprised with how much stuff I have here and if you know me and have ever seen my office, or a room I’ve lived in, you know how much I love to decorate and how happy it makes me to have good things to look at, and so I told them it helps me get through the days, knowing I have community and family and those who care so deeply for Maizie, Jeremy and I.

     

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    one of my walls all decorated!

    After being in the hospital for a few days I started to get a routine down, and knowing when I was going to be doing my ultrasounds definitely helped me push through each day. Every Tuesday and Friday I would be going down to get measured and see how Maizie was doing. They look for very specific things when doing the ultrasounds and for some reason, the first Tuesday that I was there, getting my ultrasound done, I ended up in an immense amount of pain. My fluid levels were still very, very low and because of that, the doctors told me that with her every move it could make me more and more uncomfortable as I could feel everything going on. Those with lots of fluid have a big cushion between them and the baby, and I did not. It made complete sense to me, but because of how I was feeling I decided that I wouldn’t have any visitors for the next few days, as they said the first one to two weeks were when patients normally go into labor and they wanted to watch me even closer, as they had no idea what was going to happen…

     

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    Here I am with little miss at 28 w 5 days!

     

  • the first 24

    My scenery has changed drastically the last twenty-five days. Goodness, I can’t even believe it’s been twenty-five days. My hope is that before I give birth, sometime in the next 18 days, I can recap all that has happened here in the hospital so I can write about our journey after little miss is born!

    March 9th was a day like any other. I got up and got ready to go to work. For any woman out there that has ever had a baby, you should be able to relate to this next part. I was about to leave when it felt like I had just peed my pants a little bit. Now, for those who have never been pregnant before, this is a pretty typical occurrence, especially as you get further into pregnancy. One wrong move and you’ll be running towards the bathroom. I thought it was a bit strange because it wasn’t actually pee, so I changed and continued on my day. Mid-morning I felt the liquid more and more causing me to ask some questions. I did some research on what happens when your water breaks and called my mom. Sidenote: I have been talking all pregnancy about what it will look like when my water breaks. The fear of the unknown and how your body just one day decides this is what is going to happen was freaking me out. Anyways, I called my mom and she delicately told me that I needed to call my doctor right away. After what seemed like an eternity, my doctor called me back and told me that it sounded like my water had broken and I needed to go to the hospital right away.

     

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    the all to familiar hospital gown, blanket, and blank wall.

    The immediate emotions when she told me that caused me to start crying. It was too early. I was only 27 weeks 5 days. I still had 13 weeks left to grow Maizie. I couldn’t lose her, although different circumstances, last time I left the hospital I also left without my sweet Everett. I sucked it up, called my mom back, had her grab Jeremy and they headed down to the hospital. The next hour seemed like a whirlwind. My boss so graciously drove me to the labor and delivery entrance where my sister and sweet niece were soon to follow. They just so happened to be right around the corner (not typical at all) which was a total God thing, as I wasn’t alone waiting for very long.

    I checked in, waited a few minutes, and they brought me back to labor & holding. Labor and holding is basically a triage room for pregnant woman where they can either go home or be admitted if necessary. Jeremy arrived right before we walked back, so as we made the journey together I was trying to not freak out. We got into the room and I put on the all to familiar hospital gown and waited. My mom was able to come back and once my niece had been picked up my sister was back with us as well. The uncertainty in the room was weighing pretty heavy, so without much hesitation I turned on my worship playlist. We waited for a bit before I was seen, and when the nurse came in, they decided that they were going to do a test to see if it was indeed amniotic fluid that had been coming out.

     

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    Jerm and I praying in between doctors visits and tests being done.

    After about an hour, the nurse returned and told us that the test came back negative. I was so confused. I knew my body, and I knew that something else was going on. Moms, I know you know this, but you know your body more than anyone else. If something seems wrong, speak up. At this point, my doctor came in and told me that I should be home by supper but, they were just going to do an ultrasound to confirm what the test had shown, that it wasn’t amniotic fluid. I went downstairs to a preinatal specialist practice and after some confusion they did the ultrasound, sent me back upstairs, then back downstairs where we got the results of my fluid being extremely low.

    Most pregnant woman have a fluid index of 8-18cm, mine was at 4cm, which we just so happened to find out on Friday during my last ultrasound. At this point, the doctor told me that I was going to be admitted and they were going to watch me for 48 hours, start an IV with fluids and antibiotics, and give me two doses of a steroid shot. When your water breaks early, they can do a few things in order to help slow the process down of going into labor, and with me being still so early, they were determined to do everything in their power to keep Maizie in me. The antibiotics were in case an infection started to develop in me, the fluids were to help increase my amniotic fluid levels in the hopes of giving sweet Maizie some more room, and the steroid shot was just in case I went into labor, Maizie’s lungs would be measuring a week ahead of schedule.

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    Watching Maizie’s heart rate and checking to see if I had any contractions.

    I guess at this point I was able to rest a bit easier knowing that she was indeed okay, and that had I not listened to my intuition, I could’ve been walking around with a slow leak of her fluid, which could’ve been deadly. We headed back upstairs to the room where I was going to be staying for the next day, and through a series of events, I found out that my nurse had gone on the world race, and that we knew a lot of the same people, which was such an awesome thing! After being hooked up to an IV, getting shots, and doing a few more tests I took a deep breath and realized I may not be getting out of here in 48 hours.

     

    stay tuned for the next few posts..

  • fear in pregnancy 

    The second time I ever saw those faint pink lines show up on a pregnancy test I was shocked. The shock quickly became excitement, which then turned into fear. All of the emotions I had been sorting through the last five months came rushing back. What happens if this baby doesn’t make it like Everett? How am I going to deal with being pregnant again? Are we ready for this? We don’t even live in our own house, can we afford to have this baby? I was so excited but the questions swarming my head were too much to handle. The rest of the day I remember praying, praying so hard that God would be with me and help take my fear away. This baby was a miracle, and we were going to praise our Heavenly Father because of that!

    The next week we announced to everyone we knew that we were expecting again. I got mixed feelings from those I told before announcing publicly. They wondered why we were sharing so early, and would it be better to wait until we were in the ‘safe zone’. I don’t fault them for the questions, as we had just walked through a loss and didn’t want to have to do that again in such a public forum. That is when I realized that of course we would share about this baby just as we did the last. This baby had a name, had a story, and deserved to be celebrated every day.

    I’m not going to lie to you – still to this day, every time I go to the bathroom I pray there isn’t blood. To some that might sound extreme, but for every momma that has experienced a loss you know exactly what I am referring too. The first time I had a cramp from my muscles growing I hit my knees begging God to keep her safe inside of me. I know that is no way to live, but it is something that I have been coping with the last five months. I’m here to share that battling fear during pregnancy is a real thing.

    I stumbled across a blog back in November and it shared amazing scriptures for fighting fear in pregnancy. I wanted to share some of them here, as I know a lot of my friends are currently expecting. For some of you, this is your first baby, for some of you, this is your fourth, and for some of you, this is the furthest you’ve made it after a loss. I’m hopeful that these scriptures will bring you the same peace of mind that it brought me. I had these plastered everywhere- my desk, my computer, my phone, at home, and as I began to memorize them, I repeated them over and over, until I felt the worry dissipate.

    •For by Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him. He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. – Colossians 1:16-17

    •Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. – Hebrews 11:1

    •Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never let the righteous fall. – Psalm 55:22

    •Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. – Isaiah 43

    •Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. – John 14:27
    My prayer is that we would let faith in to push fear out.