Faithful in the Fray

I'm not removed from the chaos, I'm faithful inside it.

wife, mama, friend. hope advocate.

Welcoming Miss Maizie pt 1

May 27, 2016

Today marks five weeks that our sweet girl has been alive here on earth. I figured what better way to celebrate than writing out her birth story which will take a few posts to get through.. Enjoy!

Thursday was the day before the ‘big day.’ I was headed out of my room in HRP and down to L&D to have Maizie. The IV Team came into my room in the early afternoon and got my IV started, I packed my final belongings into my bags, and waited until a room opened up. They told me the process was going to be long, but in the back of my mind I knew I had a spot in the OR for a C-section Friday at 3:30. The time finally came and I gave some of my nurses hugs, got in the wheel chair, and headed down.

The room was a lot bigger than I imagined, and seeing everything made me realize it was really happening. I took a video and looked at Jeremy, unsure of what was really about to happen the next 24(ish) hours. The nurse came in shortly and did one last ultrasound to confirm that Maizie was still head down before we began the process of softening my cervix, in the hopes it would kick start my body into labor. I got changed into a hospital gown, which I had stayed out of the last six weeks, and got into bed. It was shift change and my sweet night nurse came in and explained what was going to happen and the things she was going to have to do. First up, ‘checking’ to see if I was dilated at all. Y’all. No. Can we just pause and take a moment of silence for every woman that has ever been checked to see how dilated and effaced they were. I’m just going to put it out there that there has to be another way to do this. Anyways, she checked me and then got the cervadil started. It had to be in place for 12 hours and then once removed, I could start Pitocin. I was in a short window of still being able to have something to eat, and so after a long eight months of waiting, I ordered Jimmy Johns, cried because I had waited for so long for this glorious sandwich, and stuffed my face.

The night went pretty uneventful. It was hot as all get out, as I was used to a crisp 58 degrees in my room upstairs, and when the maintenance man came to check he said there was nothing he could do and I should just get used to the temperature. If anything I figured I’d lose more weight during birth from sweating for hours and hours before hand. Ha. My parents stayed at a hotel close to the hospital for the night in case my body kicked itself into high gear and they needed to rush right over. In between hour cat naps I suddenly found myself looking at a clock that read 6am and knew the nurse would be in to remove the cervadil and ‘check me’ again at any moment. Again, another moment of silence for the ‘checking’ process.

I then had about an hour to get up, get a shower, put some makeup on, and get back into bed. They started me on Pitocin at 7:10am (I kept a note on my phone to jot down a timeline of events) and then it was a waiting game. My parents arrived shortly after and settled in for the long haul. The Pitocin was slow and steady. Every 15 – 30 minutes they would up the amount they were giving me. By 10am I still hadn’t had any contractions. With Pitocin they could only give a certain amount per few minutes without consulting my doctor first. Once I hit the max number (20) and my body still wasn’t progressing, I knew we had a couple choices to choose between. I was inching closer and closer towards 3:30pm, the spot I knew I had in the operating room, or starting this whole process over again.

Around 2pm I broke down. I started crying and couldn’t stop. I was uncomfortable, I had been in the hospital for 43 days, my body wasn’t progressing like it should’ve been, I was convinced she was never coming out, and honestly y’all, I was tired. My nurse came in to see me crying and told me that she was going to call my doctor and tell her how I was doing. She shortly came back and said she had to ‘check me’ one last time to see if anything had changed and to call her back with the answer. Well, after 20 hours of trying, not to mention six and a half weeks of being bedridden making sure nothing progressed, my body was a trap door. Nothing. No effacing, no dilating. Nada. Talk about frustrating. My sweet Dr. showed up a few minutes later. She sat in the rocking chair at the foot of my bed and looked at Jeremy and I. She told us we had two choices. We could stop now and start this whole process over in a few hours, seeing if my body received it this time, or, we could choose a C-section as we still had a slot in the OR. I looked at her without hesitation and said ‘get her the heck out of me.’
your attitude determines your outcome

April 15, 2016

For those of you who are just tuning into my series of posts while being in the hospital, please see part one here and part two here.

The rest of the week was pretty quiet. I only had my mom or Jeremy with me for a few days, as I was so tired, my body ached, and I just didn’t want to have to be ‘on’ in front of people visiting. Friday night I was feeling much better and had some of my best friends come and entertain me until late in the night. The beauty of this hospital is that there’s not set visiting hours, so you can come and go when you want, as long as I’m okay with it! So, it made the long week of not being allowed out of my room, and having no one else visiting a lot better! Oh, did I forget to mention that at this point, it had been nine days and I still had not stepped foot outside of my room unless it was for ultrasounds. I was only able to get up and go to the bathroom and get a shower and then immediately get back into bed. This was probably the biggest shock I had upon being admitted. My doctor didn’t even want me getting a shower for the first two weeks I was here in case something were to happen. Y’all. No. I’m so thankful someone else made that call and I was able too.

Jeremy’s dad surprised us and planned a trip down for the long weekend. Originally we had set up this weekend as a babymoon getaway with two of our very best friends, so Jeremy had the entire weekend off, which was the biggest blessing. He arrived Saturday morning and I know Jeremy was the happiest guy in the world that he got to see Papa Bear (soon to be Papa G) and go on some fun adventures. While the boys were out playing I was able to have some time to hang out, catch up on my writing, and just reflect on what was going on.

papa G and daddy jeremy working on the crib and bassinet.

** Sidenote:** I’m not going to lie to you. Since being in the hospital I have had to release fear each and every day. Being here makes you hyper-aware of everything going on with your body and your baby and when you have nurses come in multiple times a day asking how you are every normal pregnant pain could mean something is wrong in your head since this is all so new. There have been hours spent looking at the heart rate monitor making sure she was still alive, only to be proven over and over that she is indeed okay, and alive in there.

The next Tuesday was a day I will never forget being here in the hospital. I was woken up very early and sent downstairs for an ultrasound. Everything seemed to be going okay, until they tried to get some practice breathing on film. We waited for thirty minutes before the tech left and sent the doctor in to try and see if he could get her to do her practice breathing. When he was unable too, we came back upstairs where I was told not to eat or drink, as I was going to be put on the monitor for a non stress test on her heart. They were looking for variances in her heart rate for thirty minutes and if she failed it, then it could mean that she is starting to show signs of being in distress and she could have to come out. I wish I could tell you that I kept it together, but my heart sunk and I started to cry. I spent the next thirty minutes watching her heart rate stay at a consistent 138-140bpm. She failed the test.

y’all that bruise was so bad!

They had decided to call someone to administer an IV and start getting me on some fluids in case we were going to do a c-section later that day. My nurse came in and told me that I should try and eat something to see if that helps, as I had nothing in the last twelve hours. Before getting something to eat, they sent in someone to get my IV started. Y’all. It took SIX sticks before they got it going. I’ve never ever been stuck more than one time when it comes to taking blood or anything like that. I was so severely dehydrated that my veins kept blowing causing them to not be able to get it to work. Finally, they got one going in my hand and I thought I was going to cry. I spent the next week and a half with bruises all over my arms from where they attempted to stick me. After eating and putting me back on the monitor, Maizie started to do beautifully. She was having accelerations all over the place and at 4pm we went back downstairs for an ultrasound to make sure everything was alright, and it was! I had successfully avoided having a baby that day.

The rest of the week went in a blur, and by the end of it, we had more family come down from Pennsylvania. It was so awesome to be able to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law, especially before little miss was here! Jeremy and I had a blast. It was also the first time I was able to leave my room in 16 days!!! I went to the cafeteria and sat outside and was so happy.

outside for the first time!

selfies from the wheelchair.

Easter Sunday was a bit of a weird day for me. Last Easter is when Jeremy and I found out that our Everett had gone to Heaven. I tried to avoid the day, and not pay much attention to things as it brought back all sorts of emotions. I was in the same hospital, one year later, this time with sweet Everett’s sister. My family came down in the evening to bring Jeremy and I a late lunch and my sweet niece even had an egg hunt in the hospital room. It’s so much fun seeing her each time she is able to come and visit! She will peak her head around the curtain and scream ‘SAY SAY’ and run into my arms and it’s one of the best feelings in the world! I may not be around every day, but she hasn’t forgotten me, and knows I’m here with her little cousin!

Being here in the hospital has taught me so much more than I could have ever thought. It allows you to choose between two different paths. You can either be very positive and think with a pure heart, knowing that while the circumstances aren’t ideal, they could be a lot worse, or you could sit in misery, complaining each day that you hate where you’re at. The fact that my water broke at 27 weeks, but with modern medicine we have prevented me from going into labor for almost six weeks, is nothing short of a miracle. Each day that I’m pregnant I know I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed too and that Maizie is where she needs to be. I’ve talked to numerous staff members here in HRP and they’ve all said that walking into my room has been so different than most. I was over the moon about that. To me, it meant that we had allowed Jesus and His presence into the room and people could tell something was different. I didn’t want this to be a place of sadness and depression (which has happened since I’ve been here and I’ll elaborate more later) but a place of joy, because miss Maizie is doing beautifully, and she is going to be the best little girl when she is born. In my head I kept telling myself that if this was the worst thing I could do to ensure my daughters safety, then I think I’ll be okay…

30 weeks!!! we made it!!
from the lagoon to the beach

April 7, 2016

For those of you that have missed it, check out the first blog I posted on finding out my water broke and being admitted to the hospital for 48 hours here.

I’ve never spent the night in the hospital before. I’ve taken Jeremy to the hospital a few times since being together and have been seen in the emergency room but I’ve always been able to go home and sleep in my own bed. This was a completely different story. After I was hooked up to the IV for a bit, I realized going to the bathroom was going to be a bit of a process. I had to unplug myself from the monitors, unplug the IV machine, and waddle into the bathroom. Y’all. I was a sight to see. This continued all night long.

Thursday was a pretty easy day. The doctor told me that they were going to scan me again on Friday, so Thursday was for making sure I didn’t go into active labor, I continued with my fluids, antibiotics and getting my second round of the steroid shot. About midway through the day the doctor that I had been going to consistently since being in the emergency room last year during my miscarriage came into my room. She walked in and our conversation went a bit like this:

Dr: “What are you doing here? We made it through the first trimester so well.. this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Sara: “I mean, what do you want me to say? I guess the chick wanted to come early and meet me or something.”

Dr: “Well, here’s the deal. You’re staying here until you either deliver or make it to 34 weeks.”

Sara: “What?!”

Dr: “Because your water broke so early, we can’t send you home for fear of infection, distress, and a number of other things. So, you’ll be transferred upstairs sometime soon to a room where you will live until she is born.”

Sara: “Um, okay then.”

I can’t even begin to tell you how shocked I was when this conversation took place. I was stopped in my tracks. I was supposed to have twelve more weeks with little miss cooking, safely in my tummy. I was supposed to have twelve weeks of mommy daughter bonding time after I delivered and now I could only have six weeks before having to return to work. My mind was overwhelmed with the logistics of things and I just kept thinking in my head ‘this wasn’t supposed to happen. I need more time. I didn’t get to meet with the pediatrician, I never got to go home, I never got my nails done, the nursery isn’t put together, I wasn’t able to have a hospital tour or birth class.’ But then it was like this sweet gentle voice spoke to me and gently said ‘those things don’t matter in the end. You are where you’re supposed to be. Don’t miss out.’ Well, okay then. I understand.

I had a few visitors come visit me on Thursday evening and by the time mom and I were getting ready to go to bed, and sleeping medicine’s have been taken, the nurse came in and told us that they had a room available for us upstairs and it was time to move. I was excited, although at this point I am only able to go from bed to bathroom and that is it, so I was now relying on my mother who has now taken her night night medicine and was slowly fading into the abyss that is sleep. We, again I’m not much help, pack up a cart and pile things on top of my lap and I’m wheeled upstairs to a room with a shower, a couch, a fridge and the best part? A window! I got to see sunlight. It felt as though I was in a cell downstairs and being unable to see light for 48 hours doesn’t do well for the body.

me and the bff / Godmother to Maizie.

Side note: The first Friday I was there I had a staff member come into my room asking me if I wanted to be visited by a dog later in the afternoon… I was so surprised and so excited. Every Friday they have a program called Happy Tails and dogs come in and visit with patients who are there long term. It made my day, let me just tell you that. I’ve had a Happy Tails visit ever since!

bootleg snapchat screen shot of me with the happy tails dog!

The next few days were spent in ultrasounds (one of the times my vein blew and my arm starting swelling up into the size of a golf ball because the medicine couldn’t go anywhere), monitoring baby and my contractions every six to eight hours, finishing up my IV’s and getting settled into life here in the high risk wing of the hospital. I had one of my best friends in the entire world plan on coming that weekend and instead of spending it doing nothing at my house, we hung out in the hospital for hours and hours watching movies, talking, and remembering the past and how crazy our lives have been the last few years. During one of the days she was here they decided to switch me over to another room, as the room I had was on the lagoon side instead of the beach side of the floor. Ha, these nurses have jokes. So, we packed up the room and headed over to where I’ve been the last twenty-five days.

the beach side…

that one time my vein decided to blow..

I quickly made this place my home and printed off pictures of my family and friends and put them all over the walls. I have some drawings from my sweet niece, some glove art from my brother and sister-in-law and then cards from those that have been so wonderful in thinking of us and showing us how much they care. Most people when they walk into my room are so surprised with how much stuff I have here and if you know me and have ever seen my office, or a room I’ve lived in, you know how much I love to decorate and how happy it makes me to have good things to look at, and so I told them it helps me get through the days, knowing I have community and family and those who care so deeply for Maizie, Jeremy and I.

one of my walls all decorated!

After being in the hospital for a few days I started to get a routine down, and knowing when I was going to be doing my ultrasounds definitely helped me push through each day. Every Tuesday and Friday I would be going down to get measured and see how Maizie was doing. They look for very specific things when doing the ultrasounds and for some reason, the first Tuesday that I was there, getting my ultrasound done, I ended up in an immense amount of pain. My fluid levels were still very, very low and because of that, the doctors told me that with her every move it could make me more and more uncomfortable as I could feel everything going on. Those with lots of fluid have a big cushion between them and the baby, and I did not. It made complete sense to me, but because of how I was feeling I decided that I wouldn’t have any visitors for the next few days, as they said the first one to two weeks were when patients normally go into labor and they wanted to watch me even closer, as they had no idea what was going to happen…

Here I am with little miss at 28 w 5 days!