Faithful in the Fray

Y’all. It has been a while. I have gone back and forth for about three months wondering what I was going to write about. I always feel the need to make it so profound and life-changing that I downplay what is going on in my day to day life.
A lot has happened since I last wrote my blog! I’m happy to report that after numerous blood tests I am completely healthy! My doctor even gave me a big A+ on my results that he mailed to my house, so if that doesn’t make you feel good I’m not sure what will. It surely doesn’t diminish the fact that I lost Everett, but it does make me feel better for when we start pursuing that road again. I’ve also been super consistent in going to the gym three days a week after work, which has been the absolute best thing for me. I’ve slowly began taking my body back and focusing on myself first, at least for that hour, and figuring out the rest as it comes.

  
Jeremy and I moved back in with my parents. All our stuff is in storage and we’re hanging out with them for a bit. It’s one crazy packed house. My sister, her hubs, my niece and their two golden’s live in the basement, then Jeremy and I in my old room, my parents in theirs and then my brother in his. Community living, it’s what we’re called to do, right? One of the main things we didn’t put into storage is our beloved table that we won last year before our wedding! I’m just so happy that it’s getting great use.
We’ve gone on trips to Pennsylvania, Alabama, Florida and Tennessee. We saw beaches, rivers, pools, attended birthday parties, Fourth of July parties, saw friends we haven’t seen in ages, and lived life to the fullest.

  
Jeremy and I celebrated our first anniversary as a married couple and a week later I turned 23. It was such a beautiful time to reflect on the last year of marriage and how different it was from what we first expected. I know so many people fight like cats and dogs the first year of marriage but I can’t say that about Jeremy and I. We spent more time laughing, being lazy, going on adventures, and supporting one another than anything. We had an extremely rough year, one I wouldn’t wish on anyone, yet became so much stronger because of it. Did we have our days? Absolutely. But, what we’ve learned is that if we truly and honestly put the other first, no matter how tired or how selfish we want to be in that moment, the reward is so sweet.

Something that we’re super excited and nervous about is becoming Life Group leaders for the young adults at our church this year. It’s not something we’ve ever done before, and so we figured that we would give it a shot and see what happens. It should be really great to get together with everyone, those we know and those we don’t! We’ve already got some fun things up our sleeves for our get-togethers each month!

Finally, one of my favorite things in the world has started again, Wednesday night activities at church. For the last two years I have been a youth leader and while it’s a challenge, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love being a part of the student’s lives. I love that they call me, text me, message me, tweet me, and snapchat me at all hours of the day. I love that I can be relate-able while also speak truth over their lives in a way they may not have heard it before. I love that each week they’re learning something new, and they are hearing and experiencing the Lord in different ways. In a world that is so dark and full of evil, knowing that they are CHOOSING to surround themselves with light, even if just from the moment they enter to when they exit, I believe it will make an everlasting impact.

My hope is that this can help me kick start my writing wheels and begin again. Thanks for being so faithful. You have no idea how much it means to me!

April 5^th was like any other Easter Sunday. Jeremy was drumming and I was helping lead worship. We arrived early and had two successful services. During the middle of the third service I helped out in the nursery, as it was over packed with babies, and talked about the precious wee-one growing inside of me. Before heading back on stage at the end of service I went to the bathroom and saw it: blood. I immediately started to freak out as I hadn’t spotted once during the previous ten weeks. I called my doctors office and they were less than helpful and so Jeremy and I decided to go to the ER right away. The wonderful blessing about our church is that when Jeremy and I didn’t show up at the end of the service, people knew something was wrong and so they started to pray. Because I wasn’t in any pain at this point, we waited in the ER for a couple hours before I was seen. I had an ultrasound with the camera facing the opposite direction so I couldn’t see what was going on. The ultrasound tech was extremely nice and comforting which made the time pass easier. When the doctor came back a few minutes later he sadly confirmed our worst nightmare. Our baby had no heartbeat and was measuring only seven weeks. I felt like someone had stepped on my chest and while I wanted to take deep breaths I couldn’t. He continued to talk and give more information yet I heard nothing. My mom walked back into the room right after he came in and all I had to do was look at her and shake my head. When the doctor left an instant stream of tears began flooding out of us. All I had ever hoped, prayed, and dreamt about was being a mom, and now it wasn’t going to happen.

  this picture was taken Easter morning. 

The following 28 hours were a complete whirlwind. I called my doctors office Monday morning at 8:30, exactly when they opened. When they hadn’t called me back at 10:30 my mom called them and asked what was going on. Finally, they called me back at 12:45pm telling me because I wasn’t  ‘bad enough’ I could wait a few days before coming in. In the meantime, we had found another doctors office and was able to get in that day, by the grace of God. It turned out to be a blessing and the doctors there were so incredibly nice. Long story short, it seemed as if my body was incapable of passing the baby naturally so I scheduled my D&C for Thursday at 1pm. Jeremy and I went home and laid on the couch for the new few hours. Around 6pm my body decided to speed itself up and began the process I was dreading. Sparing the graphic details, after another painful night in the ER, I left completely empty.  

Jeremy and I decided to name our baby, even though we didn’t know the gender. His name is Everett Finn Colquhoun which means brave, fair, warrior. It’s perfect. I was able to talk about losing our baby and have a name instead of calling him an ‘it.’ I wish I could name every single person that has prayed for, texted, called, and messaged us but to be honest, I don’t know every name. There have been people praying for Jeremy and I that I have never met before, and will probably only meet in Heaven one day. It just goes to show the power of community, prayer, and family. 

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I’m okay, because to be honest, I’m not. My heart is completely broken. My moods can be great and then instantly turn into sadness. I don’t ever want people to think I’m angry with them, but when I’m sad or mad my initial reaction is to retreat and hide. I’m trying to find the line of grieving and mourning and not dwelling on what has happened that it creates unhealthy patterns. I’ve been fighting off anger and bitterness the past week and feeling like I owe people ‘updates’ on how I’m doing. I didn’t like feeling that way so I took a few steps back. In my mind, I did everything right. I worked through my abuse, I worked hard to get myself healthy, I didn’t open my heart up to anyone other than who Christ intended, and I saved myself until marriage. Yet, it still happened. I’m not a statistic, even when it feels that way. 

I was at the gym last night and one of my favorite people in the world was there. She has been with me since day one of my eight week transformation journey. We were talking about what life looks like now, and the transformation I’m beginning to go through and how different it looks. I told her that I before I found out I was pregnant, I was working hard to get where I needed to be, to finish off those final hurdles and to overcome my fears, and now, I have a second chance to do that. The past two weeks I found myself sitting and eating anything in sight while I was at home, work, or traveling. I find comfort in food and I know the last thing I need to do is drown my sorrows in pint after pint of Ben & Jerry’s. So the best rehab I can give myself is going to the gym three times a week and taking daily walks with my co-workers around the city.   

The pain is raw, and my heart is broken, but each day comes new opportunities for healing, and for God’s healing touch to come over me. The worship music has been a constant and it seems like now more than ever I’ve been in tune to the Spirit and have been able to speak life over those around me. If you need prayer, pray for people. If you need encouragement, encourage someone. If you need a coffee date, take someone out. Just don’t close off that communication. It’s what has been pulling me through.   

I’m not sure if I’ll write about this again, but I just wanted to give a bigger picture rather than random updates every few days. 

Y’all. I’m so sorry that I haven’t written in a while. Life has been a bit crazy and after the overwhelming outpouring of love from my last post I wasn’t quite sure where to go from there. But alas, I have something to talk about.

If you remember in my previous post I had mentioned finding out about having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome when I was 19 years old. After changing my eating and workout habits the past few years as well as taking my medicine I have been able to slowly manage my symptoms and have felt better than ever. One thing that comes along with having PCOS is the horrifying statistics of getting pregnant and pregnancy itself. Most people that have this disorder struggle with getting pregnant for years. They try fertility treatments, medicines, and anything else they can get their hands on. Getting pregnant is just the first step as 45-50% of PCOS pregnancies end in a miscarriage. While those statistics are overwhelming and disheartening, I know that My God is bigger and He is in the business of making miracles happen!

Jeremy and I knew that it could take a while to conceive and so we prayed about it, and decided now or never. After about six months (I know that isn’t a long time, but patience has never been a top quality of mine) of crying over negative pregnancy tests I knew I had to do something, so I called my doctor. I had a doctor’s appointment scheduled on February 16th to talk about fertility. I wanted to know what I could be doing differently, and how my odds looked now, opposed to a few years ago. I know from past experience that they offer free pregnancy tests while at the doctor and so my plan was to not take any tests until I went. Jeremy mentioned something in passing about wanting to be there when I took the next one, that way we knew together either way. I thought that was fair, and so I planned on taking a test before I went.

At the beginning of February, during the second service of church (I was only there for the first, but Jeremy was drumming and attended both) our Pastor gave a word at the very end of service. I’ve heard from many people it was something along the lines of ‘there’s a young couple here that have been told it’s impossible to have a baby, but God wants you to start preparing your home, because it’s going to happen..’ Now, Jeremy was drumming and so from his side of things, he heard it, but didn’t really do anything about it because he was focused elsewhere, which is why he didn’t share it with me. A few hours later I get a text from my brother and he shared with me that the Lord had told him that we were going to find out we were pregnant and then our Pastor had given that Word that exact day. These aren’t the only two that have shared words with us either. A few other people from church have told us, as well as one of my close friends. I couldn’t fully grasp what was happening, so I ignored it for a couple of days, not wanting to get my hopes up.

Tuesday, February 10th I decided I was going to go to Kroger on my lunch break and buy a test just for the heck of it. So, I bought a test, took it, waited a few minutes and watched one bright pink line followed by a faint pink line show up on the test. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. IS THIS REAL LIFE? I immediately shoved the test in my purse and went back to my desk. I asked a close co-worker of mine to read the test because I wanted to see if I was making it up in my head or not. She confirmed. The test said positive. I took a picture of the test and called my sister and then my mom. They also confirmed. I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it so I chugged a cup of water and took the second test. Two pink lines. Now, I had never gotten a positive result before so I wasn’t going to get my hopes up just yet. After work I planned on going to Target to buy a different brand of tests just to confirm. My sister helped me think of a cute way to tell Jeremy when the test said positive so the first step was to get another set of pink lines. I rushed through target, bought the test and hurried to the bathroom. I waited and waited and all of a sudden it said what I had feared the most: Not Pregnant. I texted my sister and mom and told them the bad news. I left target, sobbing, feeling a loss already.

My mom called me a few minutes later and told me that sometimes you can get a false negative on a test if you’ve drank too much water. Uh oh. Remember all those cups of water I had been chugging? I still didn’t want to get my hopes up and as I walked into our apartment, I hugged Jeremy, cried and pulled out the tests from my purse. “positive, positive, negative.” Y’all, I was at my prime right there. Jeremy being the darling that he is, said “wait it said positive!? That’s so good!” I didn’t want to celebrate or talk about it until I knew for sure, and so we ate junk food and tried to sleep.

I couldn’t sleep at all so around 4am I snuck out of bed and took another test. The entire time I was praying until I saw the words: Pregnant. I wanted to scream! I ran into our room, pulled a very sleepy, very blind Jeremy out of bed and showed him the results. I was just around three-four weeks. We celebrated together, no pictures, no videos, and it was better than I could’ve ever imagined. I sent the confirmation text to my mom and sister around 4:30am and I knew they were celebrating as well with me.

I got to make a pretty amazing phone call to the doctor that morning. I called and canceled my fertility appointment. I then called and scheduled my first appointment with the baby doctor. Two weeks felt like forever but the day was finally there. February 24th we got to see our baby for the first time. I had talked to the doctor about the medical conditions I had and when I mentioned PCOS he told me very bluntly “there is NO possible way you have PCOS, you wouldn’t be pregnant right now if you did.” I sat there, in shock, looking at my child thinking of the miracle that had taken place inside of me. This baby wasn’t supposed to happen, I was told it was impossible, and the years of fertility treatments others have gone through is proof, yet here I was. I left on cloud nine, posting a picture for the entire world to (finally) see! Jeremy and I are going to be parents.

We got to go back this morning to see our baby again, this time on the ‘big screen.’ He was measuring a whopping seven millimeters, the heartbeat was 120 beats per minute and he’s due around October 24th. While many people wait until the first trimester (scary zone) is over with, Jeremy and I knew from the beginning that my being pregnant was a miracle and something worth celebrating. We didn’t want to live in fear of the ‘what-ifs’ and so we decided right away to let people know. I’m only 6 ½ weeks pregnant right now, even though the doctors thought I was close to eight, and am feeling okay.

My eight week transformation ended up looking a tad bit different than I had expected in the beginning, but let’s be honest, this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened.