Faithful in the Fray

Y’all. I’m so sorry that I haven’t written in a while. Life has been a bit crazy and after the overwhelming outpouring of love from my last post I wasn’t quite sure where to go from there. But alas, I have something to talk about.

If you remember in my previous post I had mentioned finding out about having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome when I was 19 years old. After changing my eating and workout habits the past few years as well as taking my medicine I have been able to slowly manage my symptoms and have felt better than ever. One thing that comes along with having PCOS is the horrifying statistics of getting pregnant and pregnancy itself. Most people that have this disorder struggle with getting pregnant for years. They try fertility treatments, medicines, and anything else they can get their hands on. Getting pregnant is just the first step as 45-50% of PCOS pregnancies end in a miscarriage. While those statistics are overwhelming and disheartening, I know that My God is bigger and He is in the business of making miracles happen!

Jeremy and I knew that it could take a while to conceive and so we prayed about it, and decided now or never. After about six months (I know that isn’t a long time, but patience has never been a top quality of mine) of crying over negative pregnancy tests I knew I had to do something, so I called my doctor. I had a doctor’s appointment scheduled on February 16th to talk about fertility. I wanted to know what I could be doing differently, and how my odds looked now, opposed to a few years ago. I know from past experience that they offer free pregnancy tests while at the doctor and so my plan was to not take any tests until I went. Jeremy mentioned something in passing about wanting to be there when I took the next one, that way we knew together either way. I thought that was fair, and so I planned on taking a test before I went.

At the beginning of February, during the second service of church (I was only there for the first, but Jeremy was drumming and attended both) our Pastor gave a word at the very end of service. I’ve heard from many people it was something along the lines of ‘there’s a young couple here that have been told it’s impossible to have a baby, but God wants you to start preparing your home, because it’s going to happen..’ Now, Jeremy was drumming and so from his side of things, he heard it, but didn’t really do anything about it because he was focused elsewhere, which is why he didn’t share it with me. A few hours later I get a text from my brother and he shared with me that the Lord had told him that we were going to find out we were pregnant and then our Pastor had given that Word that exact day. These aren’t the only two that have shared words with us either. A few other people from church have told us, as well as one of my close friends. I couldn’t fully grasp what was happening, so I ignored it for a couple of days, not wanting to get my hopes up.

Tuesday, February 10th I decided I was going to go to Kroger on my lunch break and buy a test just for the heck of it. So, I bought a test, took it, waited a few minutes and watched one bright pink line followed by a faint pink line show up on the test. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. IS THIS REAL LIFE? I immediately shoved the test in my purse and went back to my desk. I asked a close co-worker of mine to read the test because I wanted to see if I was making it up in my head or not. She confirmed. The test said positive. I took a picture of the test and called my sister and then my mom. They also confirmed. I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it so I chugged a cup of water and took the second test. Two pink lines. Now, I had never gotten a positive result before so I wasn’t going to get my hopes up just yet. After work I planned on going to Target to buy a different brand of tests just to confirm. My sister helped me think of a cute way to tell Jeremy when the test said positive so the first step was to get another set of pink lines. I rushed through target, bought the test and hurried to the bathroom. I waited and waited and all of a sudden it said what I had feared the most: Not Pregnant. I texted my sister and mom and told them the bad news. I left target, sobbing, feeling a loss already.

My mom called me a few minutes later and told me that sometimes you can get a false negative on a test if you’ve drank too much water. Uh oh. Remember all those cups of water I had been chugging? I still didn’t want to get my hopes up and as I walked into our apartment, I hugged Jeremy, cried and pulled out the tests from my purse. “positive, positive, negative.” Y’all, I was at my prime right there. Jeremy being the darling that he is, said “wait it said positive!? That’s so good!” I didn’t want to celebrate or talk about it until I knew for sure, and so we ate junk food and tried to sleep.

I couldn’t sleep at all so around 4am I snuck out of bed and took another test. The entire time I was praying until I saw the words: Pregnant. I wanted to scream! I ran into our room, pulled a very sleepy, very blind Jeremy out of bed and showed him the results. I was just around three-four weeks. We celebrated together, no pictures, no videos, and it was better than I could’ve ever imagined. I sent the confirmation text to my mom and sister around 4:30am and I knew they were celebrating as well with me.

I got to make a pretty amazing phone call to the doctor that morning. I called and canceled my fertility appointment. I then called and scheduled my first appointment with the baby doctor. Two weeks felt like forever but the day was finally there. February 24th we got to see our baby for the first time. I had talked to the doctor about the medical conditions I had and when I mentioned PCOS he told me very bluntly “there is NO possible way you have PCOS, you wouldn’t be pregnant right now if you did.” I sat there, in shock, looking at my child thinking of the miracle that had taken place inside of me. This baby wasn’t supposed to happen, I was told it was impossible, and the years of fertility treatments others have gone through is proof, yet here I was. I left on cloud nine, posting a picture for the entire world to (finally) see! Jeremy and I are going to be parents.

We got to go back this morning to see our baby again, this time on the ‘big screen.’ He was measuring a whopping seven millimeters, the heartbeat was 120 beats per minute and he’s due around October 24th. While many people wait until the first trimester (scary zone) is over with, Jeremy and I knew from the beginning that my being pregnant was a miracle and something worth celebrating. We didn’t want to live in fear of the ‘what-ifs’ and so we decided right away to let people know. I’m only 6 ½ weeks pregnant right now, even though the doctors thought I was close to eight, and am feeling okay.

My eight week transformation ended up looking a tad bit different than I had expected in the beginning, but let’s be honest, this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened. 

Last week I started an eight-week fitness transformation at the gym. I found out about it, filled out an application, got accepted, and the following Monday I was weighing in and getting my measurements taken. I’m not a stranger to the gym. I go every once in a while. Our apartment complex has a little gym in it but the majority of the time it’s filled with teenagers so I don’t go. I have a beautiful greenway across the street but, the weather has been so cold lately that I stay inside. I have workout videos and weights that I bought myself a few months ago but, when I get home I’m so tired I make dinner and veg out until bed. Are we seeing a pattern? Excuses. During my first class last week I had a fitness evaluation. I had filled out a packet and taken that with me answering a ton of questions as to why I wanted to change, and what helps motivate me. He then asked me one final question, one I wasn’t prepared for, and to be honest my answer didn’t surprise me, it was just that I had never said it out loud before.

As a child I remember growing up in the most loving home. I had two wonderful parents, crazy siblings, tons of friends and loved being adventurous. I knew my parents and my home was a safe place, and no matter what, my parents were there to protect me. We lived in a town house community during the majority of my childhood years, and since this was the 90’s, kids and teenagers alike were able to roam free until it was time to come home for dinner. I don’t remember the first time it happened, or even what I did afterwards, but I do remember a sudden shift in who I was. I was no longer Bethie, a little five year old who lived life to the fullest, but suddenly I became a victim of sexual abuse. It happened a few times and I was told to stay quiet because no one would ever believe me. I listened to that boy. My precious, innocent mind couldn’t begin to comprehend what happened and so I stayed quiet. For twelve years.

For twelve years I hid who I was. For twelve years I ate in secret, sneaking food up to my room and hiding the wrappers under my bed. For twelve years I rejected any type of change, refusing to stop sucking my thumb and grow up. I longed for my childhood to continue, so I could have a redo, that didn’t include him. For twelve years I didn’t trust any male that entered my life, fearing I might have to be alone with him one day. For twelve years I walked around angry, and bitter towards anyone who got in my way. For twelve years I was known for saying ‘I don’t like to be touched.’ For twelve years I was deeply depressed, wanting nothing to do with life. For twelve years I was known as the girl with the ‘pretty face’. Which is basically the worst compliment I’ve ever heard. Twelve years. I remember countless talks my parents had with me, expressing how much they loved me and if I continued to eat the way I was I was going to end up hurting myself. They took me to a few counselors, and I was put on numerous medicines. I was known for hiding the pills or flushing them down the toilet. I refused to be someone who, had to take medicine. I do remember one year in elementary school while on the medicine, I decided to stop eating all together. My hope was that I would lose weight and finally fit in with all my friends. That lasted for a year or two, and next thing I knew I was 14 years old and weighing over 200lbs.

In 2007 we moved down to Georgia where my life turned upside down. Like I mentioned earlier, I was someone who hated change, and the fact that my parents were uprooting me during high school made me loathe change even more. I remember the first day of school my sophomore year I ate in the bathroom, overweight and friendless hoping I would survive. It was during this same time that we started going to a church right down the road from us. This church ended up saving my life. Over the course of the next two years, my sophomore and junior year, I went from public school to my parents agreeing to let me be homeschooled. I worked at the church and even became a nanny for a couple boys. It was during my senior year of High School while deciding which college I was going to attend that the Lord spoke to me. I had been praying and praying about furthering my relationship with Him and taking it to deeper places when He gently told me we had things to work on. I was reminded of my childhood and taken back to the memories I had pushed down for so long. It took me six or seven months to get the courage to talk to my mom. I didn’t want to be a disappointment and I didn’t want to upset anyone. So, I picked a prime time, walked down stairs, told her, and left for work.

Soon after I told my parents they took me to see a counselor, a male counselor. At this point in my life I was so numb to any male I didn’t mind it at all. The Lord works in mysterious ways because having him as my counselor turned out to be a beautiful thing. I didn’t go that many times as I was ready to move past the hurt and pain that I had been carrying for so many years. We had a pretty intense pray-through session and in the midst of a tiny room in Roswell, Georgia, Jesus showed up, wrapped me in His arms and told me it wasn’t my fault. Thus, the healing process began.

I went to Kenya that September and had my world rocked. I learned about Identity in Christ and who I was as a daughter of the Most High. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. When I returned home, I was deeply depressed and couldn’t wait to be apart of something like that again and so I made it my mission to return. Before I left for Africa the second time I went to a couple different doctors to get checked out and make sure I was okay, physically. At this point I hadn’t lost any weight, but was working on internal healing. I went and saw an Endocrinologist as well as a Gynecologist. I found out that I had insulin resistance, hypothyroidism and polycystic ovarian syndrome. The one that made me stop dead in my tracks was being diagnosed with PCOS. I love children. Although my brain wasn’t focused on getting married and having children, I was worried when the doctor told me that if I didn’t lose weight, it might be next to impossible for me to conceive. 19 year old me, weighing a whopping 230lbs was crushed.

I started taking medicine which helped my body start to function properly for the first time. I was losing a bit of weight but unsure of what my next step was, as I was leaving for Africa in just a couple of months. During the next two trips overseas with the help of a clean diet and taking my medicine I was able to lose around 45lbs. Since returning home two years ago I’ve maintained over a 50lb weight loss. For me, the girl who ran to food for any form of comfort, this is a huge accomplishment. I have gained confidence in myself; I’ve met, fallen in love with, and married the man of my dreams. A man, who doesn’t care what I look like, but loves me for who I am on the inside. He also thinks I’m beautiful, so that’s a bonus.

So, now that I’ve given you a bit of a background as to why this is so important to me, I will fill you in on the question and answer part of my evaluation. I was asked “What do you think will stop you from completing this transformation?” and my answer was a simple “fear.” I’m scared. I’m scared of losing weight and allowing myself to be who I’m supposed to be. I’m scared of people, mainly men, looking at me and ‘undressing me’ with their eyes. I’m scared of what will happen when I get rid of all the layers I built up so I wouldn’t get hurt. It’s scary. Getting healthy, losing weight, it’s mental. I remind myself daily that Jesus won and I am His. I am His temple, His vessel and I am being used for His glory. I am no longer a victim, but a victor. I am not defined by my past and what was done to me, but I am defined by what He says about me. Fearfully and wonderfully made, I’m His beloved, I’m worthy, I’m cherished, I’m appointed and anointed. That is who I am.

As I continue this journey, one day at a time, I’m reminded that I am no longer a slave to fear, because I am a child of God.

I’ll make sure to keep you updated as the weeks go on, I’m almost finished with week two of eight and I already can tell my body is changing. Glory!

I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to write a blog post. I’m not going to lie to y’all; the past two months have been insane. So, I decided that I was going to write a crazy, long blog combining the two months, highlighting some of the things that went on.

          Month Five:

• Our Martha Stuart Christmas Tree. Back in October Jeremy and I found out we didn’t have a Christmas tree. We thought that we were going to be given one and when that didn’t go through, we went on a hunt. Well, actually, it just sort of happened one day. We went into Home Depot to get the floating shelves. (remember those dang floating shelves?) and while we were in there, we found an amazing tree! It was absolutely beautiful and we knew the price was going to be well worth the investment. I’m very traditional, I love the white lights, and a tree that is pre-lit makes my heart leap that much more. We spent one Saturday pulling out all the decorations I bought for a trillion percent off last year and started getting our little home ready for the holidays. We stopped by Hobby Lobby and Home Goods (my love language is gift cards to home goods stores) and after shopping for hours and a zillion percent off, our home looked awesome!

• Our dryer broke. One Saturday morning I got up to get ready for the day when I went to check our laundry. I noticed that the clothes were still wet and so I started the dryer again. When I pushed the button and let go, the dryer turned off. I figured that I didn’t hold the button down long enough so I pushed it again and let go. Nothing. I opened the dryer and pulled out the sopping set of queen sized sheets, towels, and random work clothes that Jeremy had piled into the washer the night before. The heat boiled into my face within an instant and I was livid. I slammed the dryer door and mumbled something along the lines of ‘and this is why I always do the laundry…’ totally neglecting the fact that Jeremy was trying to help. I slammed the door one more time (hoping to wake him up) and went about getting ready. I walked out of the bathroom to see my sleepy, half dressed husband, leaning over the dryer trying to see what I was freaking out about. I snapped at him saying ‘YOU broke it. You put too much stuff in it. We’re leaving for Pennsylvania on Wednesday, how are we going to dry our clothes now?’ and walked away. Let me tell you guys, I’m good at dropping the mic and walking away. No proud of it either. Between holidays and weddings, and being out of town, our dryer still is broken. We’ve been using my parents when we can, or scraping $1.50 per cycle when we absolutely need to dry our clothes.

• A Pennsylvanian Thanksgiving. We loaded up our car the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and headed up north. This year we spent Thanksgiving with Jeremy’s family and Christmas with mine. We figured that would be the easiest thing to do and flip flop them next year. It was so strange not being with my family on a holiday as this was the first one I’ve ever missed, but it was nice to be able to spend time with my new family, joining in on their traditions. It even snowed on Thanksgiving! What more could we have asked for? Our trip up and back was pretty uneventful; we managed to only stop about two times during the 13 hr trek. Thanks Africa, you’ve taught us well!

• Four weddings. Four sets of our friends all got married within six weeks of each other. I had the opportunity to go to a few bridal showers and some bachelorette parties which made me so happy. I’m a firm believer in girl time and guy time. It’s so good for the soul, and the fact that I have a loving husband who allows me to spend a night away from him is something I do not take for granted. It makes me love coming home to him so much more! I’ll give more details on the weddings in month six!

• Parties and brunches. We had a party a week it seemed like. December was so much busier than I could’ve ever imagined. I had a women’s brunch at church that my family was all in some way taking part in. My grandfather, dad, and brother sang in a men’s quartet. It was a sing-a-long for Christmas songs. Then I was asked to sing a song as well during the brunch. I love singing, but goodness I get so nervous when I’m supposed to sing in front of other people. Why can’t I be blindfolded every time? I guess that would look a little silly, wouldn’t it?

Month Six:

• Magical Nights of Lights. We went on a double date with some of our friends from church to Lake Lanier. We heard that it was an amazing date night place and so we figured, why not? What we didn’t take into account was the fact that there was one way in and one way out of this place. We sat in traffic for a solid 2 ½ hours before ever getting into the Island. It was a lot of fun, and the lights were okay, it was mainly just mass chaos all around. As we were leaving we saw a car had broken down, causing all the cars behind it to wait even longer. Gross.

• Surprise date to the Sundial. At one point Jeremy looked at me and told me he was going to take me on a date. I told him I would love that and asked where we were going to go. He told me he would take care of it. A few days later he told me that I had to be dressed nicely and ready by 5:30. He took me to the Sundial in downtown Atlanta. We went there on our first date, just to look out and watch the sunset. There we were, 2 ½ years later, having a date as a married couple. The meal was fabulous, and we talked, laughed, and dreamed about the New Year that was upon us. It was such a refreshing time of being together, just the two of us!

• Our first Christmas. Jeremy and I were dog sitting for a good friend of ours during Christmas so we had an extra house guest with us for the holidays! We went to my grandparent’s house for Christmas Eve and had a dinner with all our family, and then we decided that we were going to sleep over at my parents Christmas Eve! We didn’t want to wake up alone, just the two of us, so we took all our own presents and the goodies for my family and had a big family Christmas. Jeremy was so good to me. He got me a beautiful Giving Key necklace and also tickets to see Wicked which is my absolute favorite musical of all time. I can’t wait to go and see it, as well as have him experience it! I was able to surprise him big time with a custom built longboard from one of his best friends. I was so sneaky about this, I surprised myself. He loved it, and can’t wait for the weather to change that way he can ride it all the time. On top of that, we all got passes to Andretti to have a family day before Nathan left for basic training.

• Epic Game night. We had a huge game night at our apartment at the end of December. We wanted to get as many of our friends together as possible while they were all in town. It turned out to be a big hit, we had around fifteen people there and played a few different games. I love having people over, and now that Jeremy and I have our own space we are able to do this more often! I can’t believe it took us almost six months to make it happen! We’re so looking forward to entertaining more in the future. I don’t think we have laughed this much in a long time.

• Long Live King Harris and a Holy Frozen Matrimony. We were able to go to a beautiful wedding reception for a couple of our friends who eloped in Thailand back in November. It was so much fun to get so many people that Jeremy and I knew, together, in one room. We then had a weekend up in Pennsylvania at an apple orchard to watch a couple more of our friends get married. Jeremy was in the wedding, and so we made the trek up, with four other humans in our car. I don’t remember the last time I have felt this full of life. The time spent with one another was just what everyone needed. It was insanely hectic, but the moments we spent together and the friendships that were made are for a lifetime. Our community has a way of inviting all in, constantly growing bigger and bigger and it’s something I so deeply love. It was an honor to watch two marriages happen, and to be a small part in all of their lives is the biggest honor.

If you read all of this, thank you. If not, I completely understand. I’m sure Jeremy and I have bickered more, and had funny things happen to just the two of us, but one thing you should know about Jeremy and I is: we’re all about community. Our lives are lived and intertwined with so many others, and that’s okay with us. It’s what makes us, us.

I’m sure I’ll be blogging more and more, so keep checking back!