Faithful in the Fray

I’m about to tell you something that not many people know.

And maybe after this blog post like five more people will know, but that’s okay.

It’s something that I’ve been dreaming of for years.

I’d say probably since I was six or so.

I pushed the desire aside for the last two decades because, well, life.

And then I didn’t think that it was even something that I needed anymore.

But yet, from time to time, the desire came back like a flood.

And so, I did something about it.

I asked some questions and sent some e-mails and before I knew it, I had set a date.

The six year old inside of me is rejoicing.

The almost twenty-six year old me is nervous.

Which is how I know it’s the right thing to do.

Now, for those who know me know me, you might think this is crazy,

But hear me out.

When you have a dream inside of you for as long as I have,

Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to pursue that dream?

I think so.

So no matter how nervous I am,

Or how many people will tell me that I don’t need to do this,

It doesn’t matter.

Because I’m doing this for me.

(see previous post on self-care)

So, in just seven days…

I will have my first private vocal lesson.

*gasp!* *squeal* *eye-roll?*

Yes, me.

It’s time.

And I’m so stinking excited.

I started a new job back in April. It was a hard decision to leave the company I had been at for the last four years, but when opportunity knocks, sometimes you need to answer.

I was nervous leaving the comfort of my cubical, the predictability of each day, and the relationships I had made, but the scent of a fresh start was almost intoxicating.

When I started my new job there was mention of a few training’s that were going to take place, but only one was on my immediate horizon.

Well, fast forward to my first week of work and I was given the opportunity to go on three different training trips, all places I’ve never been before.

Now, most of you would find this shocking, but I don’t really like to be alone, alone. Now, I like going into my bedroom to read while Jeremy watches TV but I’m not actually alone, ya know what I mean? Anyways, these trips meant that I would be alone while I traveled and then most evenings once the training’s were over.

I could’ve looked at this scenario a couple different ways. I could’ve flown in, got my rental, found my hotel, and camped until the next day, or I could’ve created an adventure out of the whole thing.

I chose the latter.

My first trip had me flying into Omaha and driving the hour to Lincoln, Nebraska.

It was beautiful.

And full of corn.

I checked into my hotel and hit the ground running. I pulled out my phone and found a sandwich shop about half a mile away and decided to walk. Typically I do anything to avoid physical activity as I’m not in the best shape of my life, so the walk was very unusual for me.

But you know what?

I loved it! I got to feel the wind in my hair, I got sunglasses marks on my nose, my tennis shoes and shorts combo were out of this world cute, and I was thriving.

After lunch I walked back to the hotel and made my way a bit further away to a sunken garden where I explored a hidden gem in the heart of Lincoln. I prayed my way through and had just enough time to drive over to the Capital to join in on a tour and take the Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory elevator to the 14^th floor rotunda where you could see for miles.

It was a beautiful day. And I spent it by myself!

Many of you reading this know that I’ve been in counseling for the last two years and something I’ve been learning about is who I truly am, deep down to my core.

Hidden behind layers of insecurities is this woman that longs for adventure and flying by the seat of her pants, yet life and trauma have caused her to stay buried deep down for fear of failure or looking stupid.

Not anymore. It’s why my list of 25 things for my 25^th birthday was so important to me. And I’ve knocked off so many more of the items than I thought I would. I still have about six weeks left until I come up with 26 more things to do this upcoming year!

My next trip was just last week to Tampa. I’ve been to Orlando before with my parents, but never down to Florida by myself. I had heard amazing things about the beaches in Clearwater, so I arrived, got my car, and headed straight towards the beach. I made it an hour later after driving over beautiful bridges and couldn’t believe my eyes—it was beautiful.

I FaceTimed with Jeremy and Maizie to show them where I was at and afterwards I sat and soaked in the sunset. Sure I may have felt a bit strange in my shorts, t-shirt, and jacket on a beach filled with people in their bathing suits, but this was my journey and I was proud to be living it.

The next day after my training was over I drove back to Clearwater, but this time to the Marine Aquarium. I haven’t seen the movies Dolphin Tale 1 or 2, but it still was such a neat experience. Seeing the animals and hearing the stories of how they came to be there was so educational, and something I genuinely wanted to learn about.

Towards the end of my time there I called Maiz and asked her what kind of stuffed animal she wanted me to get her and of course my kid said the Octopus… so that’s what I got her. She may have been slightly terrified of it, but enjoys playing with it during the day time.

I’m proud of myself for not missing moments on these trips.

I’m proud that I got out of my comfort zone and spent time riding with the windows down (and AC up because momma don’t play with the heat) and singing at the top of my lungs.

I ate dinner alone at a restaurant and caught up on my reading.

I was intentional at making sure I practiced a different form of self-care than usual, when in all actuality, I normally don’t practice any at all.

Next week I have my last trip for a while. I’m heading to Portland, Oregon, and I couldn’t be more excited.

Don’t miss out on life just because your insecurities are making you feel silly. Tell your insecurities to go away and LIVE. I’m saying yolo a lot lately which is so 2013 of me, but for real.

Live your best life.  

I showed Maizie a video of the trip I took to East Africa last night. I was instantly sucked back into the people, the places, the smells, and the experiences. Some of the video clips showed me doing things I forgot even happened. It’s been six years since I’ve stepped foot on African soil and while some days it feels like that was another lifetime ago, yesterday made me think I had just arrived back in America.

It’s interesting how different your life turns out to be from what you expected. Jeremy and I fully believed that we would get married, move overseas and live in a hut the rest of our lives. (Which is funny now because my view on all things missions, especially short term, has changed so drastically.)

Yet we’ve had a baby, work full time jobs in corporate America, and live in an apartment in the suburbs. We spend our evenings dreaming about the day when we’ll buy a house, and what it will look like sending Maizie off to school for the first time. Our dreams of becoming foster-to-adopt parents are more a reality than ever as I fight an unwelcomed diagnosis which could mean no more biological children. We plan trips with friends and try and soak in every moment we can with each other because we’re inevitably overbooked for the fifth weekend in a row.

I didn’t imagine my life to look this way, yet I can’t fathom anything different.

Six years ago I met a boy who changed my world, and the rest is history. We’ve walked through hell and back, more times than I’d like to admit, but we’ve created a beautiful life together, and it’s for God’s glory.

It’s hard for me sometimes to be as open and honest as I want to be. Our world is so focused on being PC (politically correct) that our thoughts and opinions get put on the back burner and before we know it, we don’t even know what we actually believe. People who don’t know you (or even worse– those that think they do) pass unwelcome judgement and then you begin to question everything.

I’m guilty of this as I’ve questioned myself and others more recently to really press into why they think the way they do, in an attempt to get to know them on a more personal level, and it’s worked. I don’t care for superficial friendships and relationships, but crave the depth that people have. If that means my circle of people close to me is small, then that’s ok. If we were once friends and now we’re not, that’s ok. People come and people go. Some are there for a season, and some a lifetime. (and some come back after seasons away!)

My days aren’t spent preaching hut to hut anymore, but simply sitting down with my friends and coworkers and getting to know them.

My life isn’t full of construction ministry in the form of building a house, but instead walking alongside someone doing their own reconstruction of heart and mind.

It’s different, this life I live, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

So while I lead worship for our House on Sundays, and work on book projects that are dreams come true, I can’t help but thank Jesus that we aren’t those kids that ran away to the middle of nowhere.

“And one day she discovered that she was fierce. And strong. And full of fire. And that not even she could hold herself back because her passion burned brighter than her fears.”

Thanks for reading my jumbled thoughts as I walked down memory lane.