Faithful in the Fray

I'm not removed from the chaos, I'm faithful inside it.

wife, mama, friend. hope advocate.

The glory in her midst.

November 12, 2016

I’ve taken a little five month sabbatical and figured instead of trying to explain what’s been going on since then, I would just dive into whats on my heart this Saturday morning in the suburbs of Atlanta.

When I was pregnant with Maizie I remember being asked if I had a specific verse I was praying over her and her life. I didn’t at the time, as fear of losing her was a possibility every day in my mind and speaking scripture over her meant that she was ‘too real’ and the pain if something were to happen it would be way worse. I know that is silly now, but pregnancy after loss can make your mind do some pretty crazy things. I searched for what felt like months before landing on a verse I was immediately drawn too. It made me stop and think. I imagined Maizie one day coming home and having a rough day and me asking her to repeat her verse. I thought of the day that she comes home and tells Jeremy and I that shes going overseas to do missions in the middle of nowhere Africa because this verse drew her to that place. I also thought of the day she becomes a mommy and has her own verse that she will pray over her child, and how this one helped her in the midst of the hardest of times.

Now, I know that puts a lot of pressure on this verse, but I really wanted to find something that I felt the Lord speak to me about her life. I know by now you’re curious what this verse could possibly be. So here it is:

And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the LORD, and I will be the glory in her midst. – Zechariah 2:5 ESV

This world can be a scary place. Especially these days. I won’t even begin to touch on what is going on as of this week, but what I will tell you is that I know Maizie Jewell is going to one day grow up and do amazing things. I declare that she will know who and whose she is as a daughter of Christ. I declare that she will see the good in every single person no matter what they look like, act like, dress like, or even what they think like. I declare that she will allow the Lord to be the glory in her midst, and that she knows she has a wall of fire all around her no matter where she steps. I pray every night for the angels in her room to encamp around her, and protect her. I ask that she would always rely on the Lord to help her when He has given her too much for her to handle on her own. (and yes, I do believe God gives us WAY more than we can handle because we are supposed to rely on HIM in the midst of those times.)

When I was in the hospital one of my dear friends sent me a package. In this package contained a box that she had painted, and inside the box was filled with paper. It had letters labeled 1-18, it had journals, and scrap pieces of paper. This box was a keepsake box. It’s purpose is as she grows older, and until we see fit, we will fill it to the brim. We will write letters to her each birthday, we will record milestones, we will journal good times and seasons where we learned a ton, Jeremy and I can write down our prayers for her, and one day, (we decided on her wedding day) we would give this box to her. I’ve imagined multiple times as I’ve spent hours writing to her the day we place this in her hands. I can picture the rims being worn as we’ve opened and closed the box over the years, but placing this in her hands one day (and the hope is for each of my children) she will know how important she is to us.

As I’m watching my sweet girl take her morning nap in her swing it makes me tear up. Lord knows how much she means to me, even when I have to take a step back because shes sick, and mommy is tired, and we’re both crying, and we just need a break from one another. Motherhood is hard. Being a parent is not easy. Your priorities change in an instant, and suddenly the nights you would normally spend out, you spend them in, putting up Christmas trees and having a family dance party. I’ve longed for this day, and wouldn’t trade it for the world. So, as I end this post, I’m going to pick up the journal and write about how this week when we took Maizie’s temperature she pooped on me, or about how when we were at the Children’s Hospital in Atlanta, the doctor and nurses couldn’t stop staring at her because she was just something different. The Lord is the glory in her midst.
Maizie 1 Publix 0

June 27, 2016

Jeremy had to unexpectedly go out of town late Friday night so it left little miss and me alone for the weekend. I’m used to Jeremy working weekends so I normally try and get as much done during the day while he is asleep that way when he wakes up we can hang out. I’ve made many a grocery store, Target, and even mall run during those hours and 98% of them have gone off without a hitch.

Yesterday I had run to Target to get a few things and while we were almost done, Maizie started to get extremely fussy. Now, normally, I just talk with her and sing and it calms her down, but this time she was mad. I realized that in the most rookie move ever I didn’t check to see if she had any paci’s in her diaper bag. The day before she had like eight in there, so I didn’t think anything of it. I was so tempted to buy a pack, but then how am I going to sterilize it? The struggle. So, I hurried myself along, checked out (our Target just got a self-checkout, praise the Lord) and got to the car. I figured I would let her eat a bit before going to the grocery store and so I hopped in the back seat, grabbed her bottle and let her go to town. She was doing fine until I went to pick her up and burp her and her entire bottle seemed to have just come back up with a vengeance. It was everywhere. I was already sweating because it was 98 degrees outside, but now I’m sitting in the backseat of the car, with vom-bomb everywhere. I figured she had enough for the time, and was falling asleep so I put her in her carseat and headed towards Publix.

I had never used the shopping cart that had a carseat slot in it before at Publix, and as I knew this was going to be a bigger shopping trip I was excited to use it! It was much taller than me, but I just looked around the seat and navigated my way through the aisles trying not to hit anyone. Maizie was sleeping as we got our meat from the deli and then as I gathered the produce. One lady made a comment about how great she was being, just sleeping away, and I nodded and said “I know, she does so great!” We rounded the corner to continue on to get some bacon and without missing a beat, she lets out the most blood curling scream I’ve ever heard. I stop in a bit of a shock unsure of what just happened and then proceed to talk with her and sing and make comments like ‘yes, I get it, I know you’re mad, mommy is almost done.’

I pass a couple Publix workers who could see the heat radiating from my face in embarrassment and asked if I needed any help. I politely told them no, I was almost done, but thank you for the offer. It was at that moment I realized that I had forgotten shredded cheese which was at the opposite end of the store. I turn around in the aisle and Maizie does that crying thing where it sounds like the kid stops breathing and so I figured she’d had enough and so I got her out of the carseat and tried to soothe her. Now, I’m trying to paint this in the best picture as possible. I’m standing there, cart full of groceries, giant carseat in front of my 5’5 frame leaving me blind to those behind, with Maizie in my arms. She continues to go from sobbing hysterically to being quiet and that’s when I head towards the checkout. I am navigating this cart with one hand on it and one arm carrying her. I wish I stopped to take a picture but at this point I was sweating so much I need to get the heck out of there. On my walk of shame to the checkout line I was so tempted to grab myself a bottle of wine, but knew that would only add fuel to her fire. Did I mention I didn’t pack any paci’s in her diaper bag? Rookie. Move.

I pull up to the checkout lane and proceed to hit the magazine rack with the Hummer of all shopping carts. I started to throw stuff on to the conveyor belt and when I missed and the cheese hit the ground a sweet teenage boy I’m sure will never have children now asked if he could help me unload the cart. Without hesitation I said yes and went to swipe my card to pay. It then took six tries before my card actually ran (I have no idea how much I spent at this point, I was just looking around awkwardly while my child is screaming her head off trying to leave as soon as possible) and the sweet teenage boy finished putting the bags in my cart. I started to walk away when I could tell he didn’t want to offer to help me to my car, but did anyways and I said yes.

It took approximately four minutes in the car for Maizie to stop screaming and fall back asleep.

the pictures have nothing to do with the story and everything to do with her not crying in them.
Welcoming Miss Maizie pt 3

June 13, 2016

I figured I would finish off the third and final part of Maizie’s birth story this Monday morning before I head back to work at the end of the week. Here is part one and part two if you missed them!

The rest of the C-section went smoothly. I was wheeled to post-op where I was given my purse, aka my pain medicine that went into my epidural, and waited patiently for Jeremy to come back to me. At this point, I don’t remember much other than finally being able to eat some ice chips, being so doped up on medicine that I talked ridiculously slow, and hearing my post-op neighbor’s husband call everyone he knew to tell them his kid weighed in at 10lbs 10oz. Ouch. Once Jeremy was back with me we called my parents to let them know that I was okay, Maizie was born, and she was doing great. Jeremy was an amazing daddy and got all her good information before heading back my way. They gave him a cute little pink card that gave her weight, height, date of birth, and more. They also gave us her foot prints and a picture of her. Jeremy and I called and texted people to let them know the good news as we waited to be transferred to my postpartum room and to finally see my pink stork. It sounds so silly, but since the first day I was admitted to the hospital and saw the pink and blue storks outside everyone’s room I couldn’t wait to be given mine. To me it symbolized that I had made it, full circle, and she was here.

my pink stork!!

After a rough night of trying to get comfortable, crying because I wanted to see my sweet baby girl, no sleep, and being checked on by nurses and techs every two hours, it was finally time. Around 5am my nurse came in and gave me a sandwich. Moment of silence for the best sandwich I’ve ever eaten. I hadn’t eaten since my beloved Jimmy Johns Thursday night so this was Heaven on a Saturday morning. About a half hour later my nurses were back to get me up for the first time and ready to go meet Maizie.

because today we snapchat everything 😉

About a quarter till 8am Jeremy wheeled me down to the 2^nd floor Special Care Nursery where this precious bundle of joy was waiting for me. I can’t even begin to describe the emotions that were coming over me on that elevator ride. It was time. The moment that I had been waiting my whole life for, to see my baby, was just around the corner. The NICU wasn’t nearly as scary as I imagined it to be. Yes you had the loud noises from the machines, but there was something so peaceful knowing that tiny, sick humans were working on being tiny, healthy humans. I washed my hands as quickly as they would allow and then I saw her. This tiny, remarkable, strong, beautiful baby girl. She was covered in wires from head to toe. Her oxygen mask covered the majority of her face, she had feeding tube down her throat, not to mention her heart rate monitor, pulse ox monitor, and thermometer. But you know what? She was perfect.

I couldn’t believe this baby that I was looking at had just hours before lived safely inside of my body. Looking at her in the flesh brought tears to my eyes and praise from my mouth. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus was all I could say. There were no other words that would come out. He had promised us redemption. He had declared my body healed. He had given us a miracle. During her feeding I was able to hold her for the first time. The moment as surreal as could be. She opened her tiny eyes and for a moment stared into mine. She knew my voice and my touch, and I could only hope she knew she would forever be safe in mommy’s arms. The next 15 days would bring every emotion imaginable to the table, but one Saturday morning we received a phone call that told us Maizie Jewell was ready to go home tomorrow. What a better day than Mother’s Day to walk out of the hospital, finally, a family of three.