Faithful in the Fray

I’m sitting here, at work, on my lunch break and I just finished reading the latest blog post by Katie Davis. For those of you who know about her, you know what an amazing woman she is. And for those of you who don’t, I encourage you to look her up and see for yourself.

In 2005 my sister went on her first mission’s trip to Montego Bay, Jamaica. I remember at the church service we had before she left, I wept.  I had no idea why the sight of all those smiling faces wearing bright colored t-shirts made me cry. Missions wasn’t something I had ever really heard of before she went, but something about it pulled at my heart.

The next year, I knew that I had to go. I wanted to go to Jamaica, where she went, because I heard all of these amazing stories and wanted to be involved as much as possible.  So, I signed up to go the next year. Not only was I going to Jamaica but I also was going to go to El Salvador as well. Two trips back to back. I was more excited then I knew what to do with. My 13 almost 14 year old self was so pumped.

El Salvador was up first and I knew that I was going to be forever changed that week. I conquered a fear, and jumped off a dock into a lake, where I then proceeded to get the worst ear infection of my whole life. But I did it! I learned dramas, skits, played with kids and washed clothes and whatever else I could possibly do for the seven days I was there. I knew that I had to give it my all, and that maybe one day I would be back. Towards the end of the trip on July 12, 2006, I felt the Lord calling me to be a missionary. I didn’t know what that meant, but I knew that I had a specific calling on my life and that I was going to do something with it. Jamaica was next and I finally knew what all the hype was about. Going to Jamaica is still one of the highlights of my life. The kids, the culture, the island, the grandmama’s. Once I returned home I knew I wasn’t ever going to be the same.

Every year until 2012 I said yes and went somewhere on missions. Whether it was a weeklong or four months long, I was going to say yes and go. Some of the trips I went on because I felt the Lord calling me too, and a couple of those trips I went because I wanted too.  Each trip brought different experiences, different heartaches, and different mountains that were conquered. I changed, physically and spiritually. I continued to get more and more of Him, and less and less of me. Upon returning home, December 12, 2012 (12 is a really significant number in my life) I knew it was going to be for a while. Jeremy and I had spent the last 3 ½ months apart from each other and since we knew we were going to get married one day we figured being at home, saving money and working was going to be the best option. Each day it felt like more of my friends we’re leaving to go across the world, and for once I was the one stuck at home watching via facebook and instagram.

I got jealous, extremely jealous. Especially when my brother left in January and I was home. I was angry, and didn’t know how to interact with people who didn’t know about community. I wasn’t used to being alone. I needed all the people around me.

In the meantime I worked and had my long distance relationship with Jeremy, all the while hoping one day we would be able to say yes. The next time I go, he will be there with me. Here we are two years later, not a stamp in our passport for years, and we’re still waiting. But this time, the waiting looks different.

No longer am I angry or pining over not ‘going to the ends of the earth’ but I’m here, and I’m reaching out to those around me. I work in a city, heck, a building, that needs so much Jesus. I’m commissioned to love those around me, to spread His gospel in my own backyard before going anywhere else. So that’s what I’m doing. I know that one day I’m going to be able to hop on an airplane and go where He has called us, but today isn’t that day.

As two people called to love the least of these, we are actively waiting for our turn.

“ A newly married man must not be drafted into the army or be given any other official responsibilities. He must be free to spend one year at home, bringing happiness to the wife he has married.” Deuteronomy 24:5

For those that have been married a while let this serve as a reminder, for those that are recently married let it be made known you’re not alone, and for those who aren’t married yet, let this shine some light.

Before Jeremy and I were married we were involved in a lot of different activities. For example, I would babysit regularly on Tuesday nights and Wednesday mornings, I was a leader and sang on the Worship team on Wednesday nights, I was either greeting, holding babies, or singing on Sunday mornings and going down to Atlanta on Sunday Nights, I worked 40+ hours a week, dining out groups once a month and I had events and volunteering that I would do on a week in and week out basis. Jeremy, worked 40+ hours a week, was either drumming or teaching the kids on Sunday mornings, had Monday night practice and Wednesday night Bible study. Our days and weeks were jam packed.

Leading up to the big day I slowly started pulling myself away from things. I knew that my life wasn’t my own anymore, and that his schedule and my schedule became our schedule.  We quickly realized it was too much and so we analyzed and prayed about how we could shift things around that way we had time for each other and still were able to do the things we love.

It’s never easy telling someone that you can’t do something for them anymore. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and you always feel like your letting them down. But here’s what I’m learning:

It’s okay to say no.

I know, that might seem crazy. We can’t do it all. We need help, we need to take breaks, we need to focus on ourselves sometimes. It’s okay to be a little selfish. We have to focus on where we are at in life that way we can better help those around us. Were called to pour out and love on those around us but what happens when we’re empty? We get angry, frustrated, bitter, and just downright awful to be around.

My suggestion: Make a list. Things that you absolutely cannot give up, things you can give up for a time, and things that you can afford to pass off to someone else. Just this past Tuesday I said see you soon and hugged my precious kiddos for the last time. I didn’t want to stop babysitting them, I’ve been doing it for 6 years, but sometimes we have to say see you soon and walk away.

I’m using the above verse for a men and women. We both need to be home. I won’t give up sitting next to my husband on Sunday mornings because we’re running around serving others we forget to be taught. I won’t give up eating dinner together because we have “places to be.”  We’re putting ourselves and our marriage first. In a day that says run crazy with your schedules, spend no time at home, ‘see you when I see you’ we’re choosing the opposite. We sit together every night and laugh until we cry. We clean all 900 sq feet of our home until it smells like new. If we have to go somewhere we go together, because we will never get these moments back. Our only job right now is to make each other happy. That’s it. It’s what we’re instructed to do. I so wish that we would all slow down and take a minute. I understand I’m still a ‘newlywed’, and that the ‘going hasn’t gone tough’ just yet. You’re right. But, what I can tell you, is that we choose each other. Every day. No matter what. He’s my person & I am his. We’re saying yes to our marriage and yes to happiness. It’s a forever and always kinda deal.

“How’s married life?”

The amount of times I have been asked this question in the past eight weeks would blow you away. While I genuinely wish I could tell you all about being married, there are some things you share and some things you don’t share.

I figured I would take some time and share some good and some not so good that have happened thus far.

Take for example the first morning in our apartment after the honeymoon. (I have a tendency to over-use toilet paper seeing as how I went for so long without any…) I woke up and went to the bathroom and when I went to flush the toilet, the water overflowed and got everywhere. I semi freaked out as I knew the sight of this disaster was absolutely horrifying and yet the only thing I could do was to gently wake my sweet sleeping husband and tell him the mess that I had made. I explained what happened and after a few failed wire hanger attempts he threw on a hat and ran to the store to buy a plunger. Why we didn’t have one before was the question of the hour. Welcome to reality.

“Jeremy, do you smell something burning?” I asked one night.

“No baby, I think it’s just because we haven’t used the oven a lot, it’ll be okay.”

Only to find out the next afternoon when I had opened the dishwasher I saw what had been burning the night prior. I had carefully placed our plastic measuring cups on the top rack as to not get too hot and melt. Ha. Joke was on me. Somehow the measuring cup fell down and had nestled its way around the heated rim on the bottom of the dishwasher. It melted the cup to the coil and I thought I was going to break the dishwasher if I tried to remove it. So, I waited until Jeremy got home and told him what I had done. He graciously helped me and didn’t break the dishwasher. Win!

For a few weeks I was really sad. There is nothing more wonderful than getting married and having everyone around you for a brief time. But then reality hits. After you leave, everyone leaves and you’re left with a new life. It really took me off guard. I wasn’t used to living on my own, and now I was living with a boy. I wasn’t used to paying bills, and now we had a stack piling up. I wasn’t used to cooking every day, and now I was. I wasn’t used to sharing my time as I had always retreated to my ‘cave’ to rest, and now I was around this other human 24/7. I’m not used to laughing as much as I am, and now I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m not used to having a build in best friend who can never ever ever leave me, and now I’m sad when we spend time apart. It has been a hard and beautiful time figuring out how to adjust.

Every night Jeremy and I sit at the dinner table and pray together. We thank God for who He is, and how He has blessed us. We pray over our families and friends and the places that they are going. We have been able to connect in a deeper and more spiritual way than I ever could’ve imagined. He is constantly fighting for me and encouraging me when I am down. He has gone to the moon and back as I figure out what it means to be a wife. As well as he has been an amazing example of a husband who pursues the Lord for wisdom and guidance.

Is it easy? Absolutely not. I find out how selfish I really am, each and every day. Is it worth it? With every fiber of my being. I wouldn’t trade getting married, so young, to my best friend in the entire world. I wouldn’t trade the adventures we’ve already gone on, and the ones to come. I wouldn’t give any of it up. Things are just beginning.

To end, I thought I would share one of my finest moments thus far as a wife:

I had gotten really sick at work one Friday a few weeks ago, going to the bathroom every 10 minutes it felt like. So, I had asked to go home and rest for the remainder of the day. When I got home Jeremy sat in bed with me for 6 hours and watched Grey’s Anatomy and ate all the snacks in the world. When I finally decided that I should probably go to sleep I got up to go brush my teeth and do my nightly routine. I had just finished washing my face and was going to town brushing when all of a sudden I spat in the sink and looked up. Over our bathroom door was the biggest cockroach in the world. I had immediate flashbacks of my first night in Uganda back in 2012. Our house was infested with cockroaches. We arrived in the dark and as we all turned our headlamps on and saw them my stomach churned. The girls were screaming and refusing to sleep there. One of the girls even said she was going to pitch her tent in the living room just to be safe. Oh, they even ate through our food the first night and I made my team eat the bread to show we were not afraid of the nasty things. (I’m really sorry about that) But anyways, I saw the cockroach and unbeknownst to me, Jeremy already had a piece of toilet paper in his hand to kill it but I screamed. ‘OH MY GOSH JEREMY KILL IT, ITS GOING TO KILL US. I CAN’T BREATHE, I’M GOING TO DIE, *COUGH COUGH* I CAN’T BREATHE’ This went on for a solid five minutes.

Next thing I know, the cockroach is dead, Jeremy is dying of laughter, and every night I still check over the door to make sure another guy isn’t there to haunt me.

How’s married life you ask? It is full of clogged toilets, melted measuring cups, tears, laughter, adjustments, and nasty cockroaches.