Faithful in the Fray

“God, thank you for my beautiful wife.”

Every night when Jeremy and I sit down for dinner and pray, I wait for that one specific line.

And it never fails, every night, those words are spoken.

It doesn’t matter how nice I look that day or maybe the fact that I’ve gained a whopping 12lbs since we got married. (Excuse me while I put down the cookie and pick up the weights.) He doesn’t care. He sees me as beautiful.  I love that man of mine.

And then we have weekday mornings.. every morning before we leave for work Jeremy wants to give me a hug. I get so annoyed. He normally picks a bad time to lean in for a hug, and sometimes he holds on for too long. Other times I know he will make me late and I’ll have to sit in more traffic if I stop and give him one. Then one day, I was so convicted. I felt the Lord say ‘Sara, why won’t you let him hug you? Why won’t you let the man you love, the man you married, love you? In this moment, nothing else matters.’ I apologized to Jeremy and made it my mission to hug him tight every morning. Who cares if I sit in the car an extra 10 minutes? I shouldn’t. Not when it means I put my husband first.

It’s been three months since Jeremy and I have gotten married. We’ve settled into a nice routine and have almost pulled back enough from the things we were involved in that we can breathe. I cook dinner and he cleans up. I start the laundry and we put the clothes away. He plays Xbox and I pin my little heart out on Pinterest. I ask questions and he thoughtfully responds. We spend too much money at the mall and joke about who knows how long it will just be the two of us. We laugh at the insane things that happen to us on a daily basis. We cry while watching beautiful movies about Sudanese refugees who make their way to Kenya and then to America. We cry because we’ve met people just like them, and we’ve walked in those refugee camps. We lay on the ground in our apartment listening to worship music while talking about how faithful our Father is, and how His love is so much more than we could ever imagine. We dream, big God-sized dreams and can’t wait until He tells us it’s our turn.

We hope. We’ve got lots of things going on in our relationship right now that is allowing us to delight and rest in the Lord. We know that He has every part of our relationship. We know that He has already said yes, and He has already said no. We know that His plan is so much greater than our own. We know that His love never fails and His grace is enough. We know that it isn’t easy, and that it isn’t supposed to be easy. We know that it is worth it. We know that the more of Him we have inside of us, the  less there is of us. We know that He is good.

We’re learning. We’re growing. We’re trusting.

Would you be praying with us? Praying for the hearts of those we come in contact with every day to see Jesus? To know the depth of His love? Would you pray that we would continue to serve the Lord and put our faith and trust in Him even when we struggle? Would you pray that we would learn to extend an unfathomable amount of grace to each other, and every person our eyes connect with?

I’m sitting here, at work, on my lunch break and I just finished reading the latest blog post by Katie Davis. For those of you who know about her, you know what an amazing woman she is. And for those of you who don’t, I encourage you to look her up and see for yourself.

In 2005 my sister went on her first mission’s trip to Montego Bay, Jamaica. I remember at the church service we had before she left, I wept.  I had no idea why the sight of all those smiling faces wearing bright colored t-shirts made me cry. Missions wasn’t something I had ever really heard of before she went, but something about it pulled at my heart.

The next year, I knew that I had to go. I wanted to go to Jamaica, where she went, because I heard all of these amazing stories and wanted to be involved as much as possible.  So, I signed up to go the next year. Not only was I going to Jamaica but I also was going to go to El Salvador as well. Two trips back to back. I was more excited then I knew what to do with. My 13 almost 14 year old self was so pumped.

El Salvador was up first and I knew that I was going to be forever changed that week. I conquered a fear, and jumped off a dock into a lake, where I then proceeded to get the worst ear infection of my whole life. But I did it! I learned dramas, skits, played with kids and washed clothes and whatever else I could possibly do for the seven days I was there. I knew that I had to give it my all, and that maybe one day I would be back. Towards the end of the trip on July 12, 2006, I felt the Lord calling me to be a missionary. I didn’t know what that meant, but I knew that I had a specific calling on my life and that I was going to do something with it. Jamaica was next and I finally knew what all the hype was about. Going to Jamaica is still one of the highlights of my life. The kids, the culture, the island, the grandmama’s. Once I returned home I knew I wasn’t ever going to be the same.

Every year until 2012 I said yes and went somewhere on missions. Whether it was a weeklong or four months long, I was going to say yes and go. Some of the trips I went on because I felt the Lord calling me too, and a couple of those trips I went because I wanted too.  Each trip brought different experiences, different heartaches, and different mountains that were conquered. I changed, physically and spiritually. I continued to get more and more of Him, and less and less of me. Upon returning home, December 12, 2012 (12 is a really significant number in my life) I knew it was going to be for a while. Jeremy and I had spent the last 3 ½ months apart from each other and since we knew we were going to get married one day we figured being at home, saving money and working was going to be the best option. Each day it felt like more of my friends we’re leaving to go across the world, and for once I was the one stuck at home watching via facebook and instagram.

I got jealous, extremely jealous. Especially when my brother left in January and I was home. I was angry, and didn’t know how to interact with people who didn’t know about community. I wasn’t used to being alone. I needed all the people around me.

In the meantime I worked and had my long distance relationship with Jeremy, all the while hoping one day we would be able to say yes. The next time I go, he will be there with me. Here we are two years later, not a stamp in our passport for years, and we’re still waiting. But this time, the waiting looks different.

No longer am I angry or pining over not ‘going to the ends of the earth’ but I’m here, and I’m reaching out to those around me. I work in a city, heck, a building, that needs so much Jesus. I’m commissioned to love those around me, to spread His gospel in my own backyard before going anywhere else. So that’s what I’m doing. I know that one day I’m going to be able to hop on an airplane and go where He has called us, but today isn’t that day.

As two people called to love the least of these, we are actively waiting for our turn.

“ A newly married man must not be drafted into the army or be given any other official responsibilities. He must be free to spend one year at home, bringing happiness to the wife he has married.” Deuteronomy 24:5

For those that have been married a while let this serve as a reminder, for those that are recently married let it be made known you’re not alone, and for those who aren’t married yet, let this shine some light.

Before Jeremy and I were married we were involved in a lot of different activities. For example, I would babysit regularly on Tuesday nights and Wednesday mornings, I was a leader and sang on the Worship team on Wednesday nights, I was either greeting, holding babies, or singing on Sunday mornings and going down to Atlanta on Sunday Nights, I worked 40+ hours a week, dining out groups once a month and I had events and volunteering that I would do on a week in and week out basis. Jeremy, worked 40+ hours a week, was either drumming or teaching the kids on Sunday mornings, had Monday night practice and Wednesday night Bible study. Our days and weeks were jam packed.

Leading up to the big day I slowly started pulling myself away from things. I knew that my life wasn’t my own anymore, and that his schedule and my schedule became our schedule.  We quickly realized it was too much and so we analyzed and prayed about how we could shift things around that way we had time for each other and still were able to do the things we love.

It’s never easy telling someone that you can’t do something for them anymore. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and you always feel like your letting them down. But here’s what I’m learning:

It’s okay to say no.

I know, that might seem crazy. We can’t do it all. We need help, we need to take breaks, we need to focus on ourselves sometimes. It’s okay to be a little selfish. We have to focus on where we are at in life that way we can better help those around us. Were called to pour out and love on those around us but what happens when we’re empty? We get angry, frustrated, bitter, and just downright awful to be around.

My suggestion: Make a list. Things that you absolutely cannot give up, things you can give up for a time, and things that you can afford to pass off to someone else. Just this past Tuesday I said see you soon and hugged my precious kiddos for the last time. I didn’t want to stop babysitting them, I’ve been doing it for 6 years, but sometimes we have to say see you soon and walk away.

I’m using the above verse for a men and women. We both need to be home. I won’t give up sitting next to my husband on Sunday mornings because we’re running around serving others we forget to be taught. I won’t give up eating dinner together because we have “places to be.”  We’re putting ourselves and our marriage first. In a day that says run crazy with your schedules, spend no time at home, ‘see you when I see you’ we’re choosing the opposite. We sit together every night and laugh until we cry. We clean all 900 sq feet of our home until it smells like new. If we have to go somewhere we go together, because we will never get these moments back. Our only job right now is to make each other happy. That’s it. It’s what we’re instructed to do. I so wish that we would all slow down and take a minute. I understand I’m still a ‘newlywed’, and that the ‘going hasn’t gone tough’ just yet. You’re right. But, what I can tell you, is that we choose each other. Every day. No matter what. He’s my person & I am his. We’re saying yes to our marriage and yes to happiness. It’s a forever and always kinda deal.