Faithful in the Fray

Over the past year I’ve gone through an insane amount of change. As someone who grew up not liking change, this could’ve easily sent me to a downward spiral, but instead it did the opposite. Every day something new has happened, and made my eyes open even wider as to why I am, where I am today. People have been confirming the exact things I’ve been praying about, I have listened to a song and it’s as if Jesus Himself is speaking to me, I have tried something new and I didn’t fail. Newness and change is inevitable  and for once, I’m welcoming it.

I’m one of those people who enjoys starting things and never actually finishing them. For instance: let’s talk about how many times I started to blog, to only write one post. Or the number of times I got on the scale, looked down with my jaw open, and told myself I’m never eating a cookie again. Then there was  the time I thought I had my whole life planned out, where I was going to go to school, where I wanted to teach, and somehow I ended up in a tent in the middle of Tangi-Tatu, Kenya, saying goodnight to 10 other people hoping the hyenas didn’t eat our food. Every day. More change. I prayed for it. I relentlessly asked God to show me something new every day. Speak to me, show me Your eyes, Your heart. Let me listen to You and let my words be only Your words. So powerful and bold sometimes I couldn’t believe it. Little by little, it started to happen.

Side note: I fail, every day, multiple times.

Three or four times a week on my drive down to work I blast my worship music and pray out loud. I always start off by thanking God for who He is, because let’s be honest for a minute, we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Him. Then I get to the nitty gritty. I cry out to Him, asking for more, and more. Lord, let me never be satisfied with what I have. Lord, let me never become complacent in my walk with You. Lord, let me love you more than everything in my life. Those words will knock you down. I’ve prayed so much and so fiercely I have parked, gotten out of my car, and continued to whisper as I walked to my office. People have stared at me in the elevator, because they think I’ve gone mad. Truth is: I’ve gone mad. for Jesus. (thanks Michael)

Those moments in the car, worship blasting, praising Papa for everything He has done, those moments have changed me. He has made me feel more alive in these past few weeks than I have in the past couple of years. He has shown me the beauty in every person, even when I don’t want to see any. He has given me words, and scriptures that I have been able to share with those around me. I’ve been entrusted with more and it’s been scary. The minute I asked The Lord for more, I knew I wasn’t going to be the same. He was going to pull me out of my comfort zone like never before. He was going to place things in my life that were too much to handle. Newsflash: HE DOES THAT! God ALWAYS gives us more than we can handle. We need Him. We need His help. He’s not going to give us things that we can easily do by ourselves.  Why would He even exist if that was the case?

In order to be more like Christ we have to be less of self. It’s a concept I’m still figuring out. While I want to sit next to my husband as he plays Xbox, I feel the Lord tugging at my heart asking me to come spend some time with Him. While I want to listen to one direction on the way to work at 6am, I blast ‘it is well’, because it’s better. While I want to do all these ‘worldly’ things in life, I feel my heart being tugged at for more and more of Jesus. I want nothing more in these moments than to abandon everything, and sit in His presence for hours. He makes me come alive. He changes me. He makes me forget that I even exist to do anything else but worship Him.

I hope that as I continue to change to look more and more like Jesus, people would begin to recognize Him in me. They wouldn’t see Sara, but they would see a reflection of Christ. As I get frustrated, and tired, and fret over stupid things, may I always point people back to Jesus. May my passion for Him never die.  May I never pray empty prayers, but know that I am praying to the Holy of Holy’s. His change is scary, but worth it. His love is real yet tangible. His grace is unfathomable.

Take this world, but give me Jesus.